Shame

     My heart still aches, but it feels more hollow now than the suffocating feeling I was getting a few days ago.  I feel as though I’m approaching my own funeral the way the 10th lurks on my calendar just begging to be erased.  Dead man walking…isn’t that the phrase?  That’s what I feel like right now.  I feel as though all these thoughts, all these happy memories are futile for what’s to come in only a few days….that is if he even has the courage to talk to me.  I’m doubtful he has any left. 

     I’m so tired of chasing after him and this love that I thought we had between us, but he’s so quick to reprimand me like a child who doesn’t know any better.  Where is my pride?  Have I forsaken the woman I have grown to be?  Where do the reserves of strength inside me go when I allow him to just do as he pleases in my life.  What have I become?  Why do I feel like such a failure…   

     I’m ashamed of my actions of late.  They have belittled all the progress I made in my last breakup, and now I have nothing to show for the long hard journey I was forced to endure.  To just look at me right now you wouldn’t even know the kind of women who raised me.  The incredibly strong and confident women who have shaken off each and every insane obstacle in their lives.  Women who have seen it all and kept their dignity and grace intact.  I gave that all up for this.  This – that doesn’t even acknowledge who I am or the woman I want to be.  I gave up myself for a man who wasn’t strong enough to love me.  For this I am ashamed and I don’t deserve to be called a woman right now.