Pop.

    I finally had to wake up…somewhat.  I was so confused tonight after mild flirting again, and then him backing off like we hadn’t just touched or locked eyes.  I didn’t know what to think or do.  As he walked me out to my car, I just popped out with, "Josh, I’m really confused."  He told me to tell him about what specifically, but the words just wouldn’t come out.  I was so frightened by his response, that every syllable I tried to issue forth just froze, and I felt like running away.  I tried to verbalize my thoughts, but I think I failed miserably.  I just desperately wanted him to know that I still care deeply for him, and I (more than anything) want to work things out between us.  He told me that he understood, but he couldn’t make a decision based on 4 days of being on a break.  He continued with, "I do want to try and work things out" and then something else about we need to continue to just do things on our own right now while he figures out what’s going on with work and his grandpa. 

    I really do understand that time needs to heal this, but will someone please tell that to my damn heart?  I don’t know how to control it so that I can let patience and time fix everything.  I just ache so much inside and after having a love like this, I’m just so scared of losing it completely.  But I know that if I keep trying to force it when he’s not ready that it really will be lost completely.  I just wish I didn’t feel so much sometimes.  My personality or spirit or whatever you want to call it is way too empathetic for its own good and I can literally feel everything good and bad.  I’m not sure if he realizes that.  He always saw how I was in "such a bad mood all the time", but I don’t think he realized that I feel things differently from everyone I’ve ever known.  I feel happiness just as much as the bad days.  There’s really no middle ground to my emotions and it can be very exhausting. 

    So, this is where I am.  I’m trying to let the events of my very near future unfold of their own accord.  I just pray that God grants me the strength to accept it if the outcome is less than what I desire.