It’s Called A Breakup Because It’s Broken

   After an emotional night my best friend recommended a self-help book called It’s Called A Breakup Because It’s Broken.  I spent four hours reading it at Barnes & Noble with a grande Java Chip frappuccino and a new sense of reality.  It really is a great wake up call for all us girls who lose our sanity during a breakup and do everything in power to just make sense of it all, whether it be by drunk dialing, random text messaging, or "accidental" encounters in public with your ex.  Which, I can say, I’m guilty of all three in previous relationships. 

   There’s a chapter in there that basically gives you a slap in the face and bluntly says, "Quit calling him!  You know why he’s not initiating any calls or emails with you?  It’s because he doesn’t want to talk to you!  It’s a called a breakup because it’s broken."   That’s really the reality slap I needed to realize that he’s been over "us" as long as he’s been contemplating getting the courage to call it quits…and that could have been months ago.  So, while all this is brand new to me and I’m the only one who gets to quit this cold turkey, and it sucks beyond belief, I have to realize that what we had together just wasn’t right and I need to let him go.  Easier said than done, but I’ve cleared out my room of all reminders of him, save for the box of his things I’m giving back on my desk chair, and now I just have to make it through 60 days of "he-tox" (cleansing myself and reinventing myself and my desires).  60 days (their recommended period of time) of absolutely no contact with him.  No calls, meet-ups, random flings, nothing.  Let’s see how long I hold out on that one!  But honestly it’s all very good advice, and these are all things I had done in my previous relationships to just save face and remain intact with at least a little bit of dignity and grace minus the begging to give "us" a second chance. 

    He told me last night in a desperate phone call on my end to just hear his voice (stupid girl) that he needed time to think things over, that he wanted to see if we could work things out, "but Amanda I’m not going to guarantee that we will get back together"   so basically I shouldn’t get my hopes up.  Doesn’t all that just stink of humiliation and degradation?  Is that what I really want to wait around for while he ultimately decides that his new life is way better without me in it?  Well, I don’t have to and I’m not going to.  Sure it’s going to be a tough battle and lonely road ahead, but I’ve done it before and I can do it again.  I loved this man with my whole heart, something I didn’t think I was capable of doing again after the debaucle with my ex-fiance 2 years ago, and he threw me away after I supported him no questions asked for an entire year.  He thanked me with his pathetic excuses of, "Well, now that I’m at my new job it’ll be too difficult to see each other" or  other excuses that basically put all the blame on me for this severe plateau in our now over relationship. 

    I’ve felt like a doormat in this relationship for far too long, and it’s time for me to take the reins even if my heart aches even more for it.