I Want to Live Someone Else’s Life

     I don’t want to live my life anymore.  I want to live someone else’s, because mine is one big fat disappointing roller coaster ride.  I want off. 

     After he made the big speech last Saturday about trying so hard to make things better and how in love he was with me, he ends it again tonight.  He built me up with so much hope and he squashed it flat all over again like it was no big deal.

    He loves turning anything around and making the finger point right back to me.  I point enough fingers at myself without needing him to do the same.  I just wish once in a while he’d look deep down at himself, and not drag me with him.  I told him how committed and willing I was to make this work, and he said he just didn’t want to do it anymore.  He threw me away, again, and didn’t even blink. 

     My heart aches so badly right now, but at the same time I feel cleansed.  This whole week I’ve been on pins and needles, lost about 5 pounds because I was just so nervous about "us".  I don’t have to do that now because I know it’s officially over.  What we had, what I worked so hard for, is over.  Our one year anniversary was on Tuesday.  It’s just all so pathetic the way things turned out in the end.

     I don’t want to dote on this and throw myself into a long depression the way I do when my serious relationships end, but it just feels so damn inevitable.  I don’t think I can escape it even if I "concentrate on myself right now, get back to my religion, realize that I’m better off" the way that my close friends and family told me I should do. 

     Honestly, I just want to wallow in my heartbreak and grieve heavily over this relationship.  It’s dead and I’m currently dead with it.