Heart Sick

    I hate the late nights when I’m alone, and all I want to do is pick up that phone and text the one person I know doesn’t really want to (or care to) hear from me.  I have others who wouldnt mind hearing from me, but for some obscure reason the only person I want beside me is the person who could care less if I moved across the country.   And honestly, it’s not the person who has this hold over me….it’s me….because each year, or couple of years, it’s a different person but the same ol’ story.  I’m the one doing this to myself.  I’m the one picking these "men" who obviously are not right for me.   So, why, when I pride myself on being such a strong independent woman, do I crumble so easily in the face of loneliness and desparation? 

    I dont hear from him for two days, I panic, I call.  He answers, is less than enthused to hear from me, I crumble.  I cry.   Repeat cycle.   I dont like who I currently am.  I long for something bigger than myself, but I suppose you have to put yourself up on a higher pedestal before things just start falling into place, right?  I wish I knew….   I’ve allowed so many things to harm me, my soul, my moral stance.  I’ve given free reign to others over me who don’t love me.  It’s time to stop.  It’s time to regain my composure and respect myself enough to know that I’m better off alone (scary word to say out loud) and that giving my life over to God is the thing to do.  It’s soooooo time to give myself up to a higher power that might actually have a bigger plan for me than I ever had for myself.