9/22/07

      Turns out it’s my phone that’s not working.  I just got 3 voicemails today from last week.  Ridiculous. 

     Went to his place today to pick up my game shirt.  He hugged me for what seemed like heaven, I mean eternity (same thing?), AND it felt like heaven.   I gave him the letter I had written him and the gift that was supposed to represent my love for our one year anniversary was now being offered in friendship.  It was all so bittersweet – knowing that he still wants me in his life and wants to be a part of mine, and the fact that all I wanted to do was have him sweep me off my feet with a kiss.  I know I keep going back on forth on whether I want to be with him or not, but at the end of the day I honestly love him so much that it hurts my heart.  He’s the man I want to be with, but every obstacle in our paths is forcing us apart, and it’s so damn unfair. 

     He invited me to go see the Cowboys game at his place tomorrow night.  It made my heart skip a beat at the small glimmer of hope.  He told me that it was great getting to see me, but I must have completely gone crazy from all of this because on our second hug out the door my lips decided to act on their own and kissed his neck since that’s the only part I can reach without him bending down a little.  I instantly realized what happened and I couldn’t look him in the eyes out of embarassment.  He didn’t say anything, thank God!, and I left with shaky legs and heart.  After that the tears began to roll down my cheeks as I walked down each step to my car.  Thank goodness for sunglasses providing a bit of privacy from the outside world. 

     I just wonder if he’s doing all this "friend stuff" out of pity for me and my broken heart or if he really does want to share some time together while we hopefully work things out….but I think that’s the very small optimist in me trying to burst out.  I honestly don’t know if he’ll ever see me in the same light of love, and I don’t know if being friends is just setting me up for false hopes.  I wish I could just know right now, but what’s the saying about patience?  Blah blah blah, patience, blah blah, virtue. whatever.