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you always post selfies with an aim to look a certain way. it infuriates me. you reveal nothing about yourself except that you can still be a people-pleaser. i like your AI or photoshopped selfies – i think those are in your videos. those are amusing, little icons, and represent you well. but the only picture of you i’ve seen that really catches what i miss about you is something someone took from a little distance. you’re in a group and possibly speaking with some interesting personage next to you. it caught your matter when engaged with someone you find worthy, and it caught your charm some. i remember watching you when we knew each other, and seeing this – knowing it was never a way you had with me. i screencapped it and kept it in my beautiful online day book, which had only three readers. it seemed like a reliable site for writing, and was not social media nor well known. but one day without warning they closed it down. i had some nicely written memoir there. a reader of a man once typed to me “how lucky i am to know you.” after i immortalized a bus ride thru a misty autumn landscape. there was a girl on the bus who was psychic, and didnt know it – she would exclaim “the horses!” and moments later we’d pass horses in the mist. she narrated the thoughts of cows. i was listening, watching, and it was only me that understood.

sometimes, very rarely, i write so well. and i did that day, inspired. fittingly, it all vanished. as good writing should, writ on water. i remember a christmas address i composed in northampton, in imitation of JB, which i liked to reread, because i managed to pleasingly engage some donkeys in my christmas poem. tho it wasnt a poem.

funny how you disparaged him lately (likely you dont remember – i mentioned him and in reply, perhaps in a voice message – you said his name scoffingly), and thought i’d be affected.

i like to listen to your voice, it is so much a part of my intimate life, or eviscerated parts. i listened to you as you never listened to me, because i was desirous of your approval and love, i was helpless and made cold by what i felt, that i would never mean anything to you, which was true. libra’s can only love a few times, and i guess you;’d used yours up, tho the woman you threw me out for her certainly had an effect on you, i think.

i realized i’d gotten older when i wondered if you were happy with her, and if you could be happy now in your life.

you see ,if you spend time wondering over a person for decades, and they have no strong feeling of curiousity for you, tho they might wish you well or be so kind, you will know them as they can never know you. as an audience knows a film star.