wella day, says i.

i mean to do better at these diary entries if for no other reason, i have so much to tell.  some stuff will only get highlighted and i am betting on one or two things getting left out or in the wrong order or maybe i will just say things that confuse you.  i hope i don’t embarrass myself.  i’ll be like that drunk friend that peed in their pants.  i won’t know unless you tell me.  and if you do, i will probably cry.

on friday, my lung-doctor told me AGAIN that i don’t have cancer or tumors or fluid buildup in my left chest and lung.  all very good stuff.
the alvioli over in that poor solitary lung, down in the bottom, could be doing better.
i just bluntly ask him how long i could expect to live the way my life is from here to the end. ( i do understand it will get worse before the end.)  he told me that if i took good care and stayed active as much as possible, eat well and stay the hell away from sick people, i could live where i am in this disease right now for "years and years".  then he took my hand and squeezed it as he looked me in the eyes.  i did not cry.  i smiled.  he repeated what he said about catching stuff from sick people and said that now it was very important.  he felt the need to talk about critical care and blood infections for prolonged hospital stays and  i started laughing and promising i would take care around people. 
i can make this change.  i don’t  like it much.
……..okay, there.  i took out the *f*-word.

all my family is good.  ben fell off a monkey bar at school a couple or 3 weeks ago and i don’t know if i said anything about it.  he is fine now and i also remember now –  *poof* that i wrote about the email….. like i said, he is fine.  he asked his mom to help him write the email i got back from him so it would be spelled better and it wouldn’t take the rest of the night.  he likes my dog.  he says she is funny and pretty.

blanca, aka rat-girl, is pretty good at anarchy by way of confusion.  one day she is one way, following directions and behaving and then she will have a brain-leak and become a poopy-goober in a dog suit.  she got her first rabies tag this weekend.
i already had to put some swavorski crystals hanging on it and now she tinkles everywhere she goes.  her features have changed hugely.  she is thin and longer-legged.  lots of muscle.  still got this buddha belly going on.  and loves to have it rubbed.

blanca dances around at the back of tigger all the time, poking the poor old slow cat in the back end and dancing around to the front, wanting him to chase her.  i think it’s mean and i make her stop.  i tell her that i wish tigger would catch her and get her good with his paws. 
tigger don’t have claws in the front.  they were removed..  i did that to him back when i was thinking on it a lot differently….. i also taught him to box…… i would reach out and gently swat him with my hand and growl.  he would swat me back and growl.  he seemed to like playing it.  he never initiated it, but he also didn’t leave when i did.  tigger is also pretty stubborn and does not like to give in.

well tigger was on my bed and he’s started parking his big old tired cat butt right at the top of the bed where the doggy-stairs come to a stop.  this makes blanca very nervous because now she is within reach of the old guy.  and she is scared with good reason.  tigger does not like the new puppy and i don’t really blame him.  and when blanca tried to ease by him, he moved quicker than i’ve seen him move in a long time and smacked that puppy on the top of her head 5 times.  each blow was loud too.  she tried to climb the wall and peed on my bed.
i cleaned up the bed and petted the dog after i told tigger good job.

on saturday, i went to moody gardens with dustin and a group of his friends.  we went there to see "bodies revealed".  it was beautiful and solomn and creepy and enlightening and sad.  i started my trip out in a wheel chair that the boys got for me.  i have to say i was grateful for it and just decided it was time to put aside anymore shame or embarrassment, so i could go have fun with my kid and his friends.  i was able to wander around pushing the chair like a grocery basket and  if i needed to i could just sit down.  and i had a place to carry around the heavy air tank.

i stood in front of the display of copd and lung cancer for a long time studying the specimens.  someones lungs.  for real.  and they died.  and. that. was. sad.  i felt a little teary and i moved on so i didn’t do anything weird in public like blubber and have to be taken out of the exhibit like a child.  some of it made me uncomfortable.  like it was not as respectful as i thought it should be.  i asked myself to cut them some slack, because if it bothers other folks, they are not making any noise about it and maybe it was just me.  some of the posing was a little humorous-looking to me.  and it might have been just the way i percieved it. 
i do not regret going at all.  there was a display of the human arm’s arteries, and cappilaries.  just that.  no bones, no skin or tissue.  and the display was lighted from the bottom and shined up into the works.  it was stupendously beautiful.  we stood and disscussed bio-recognition and i see that no way in hell can two people have the very same capillary placements.  so now i know how bio-recognition works.

after the field trip, i went to dinner with them to a sushi place.  i ate this thing called spider roll.  it was really good and i liked this one called shaggy-dog the very best.  i tried one with avacadoes on the top of it and did not like it much.  and i declined to try the eel.  didn’t like the look of it much.  i tasted warm sake.  a few sips.  it lands in your tummy and in your bloodstream pretty fast.  and i tried this thing called a sake-bomb.  that was not good.  i am not a fan of beer.  and i had already made up my mind i was not a sake fan either.  the concoction tasted soapy.  it was fun to try.

on friday, after the doctor’s office my friend patrick that drove me to the doctor’s office on the mainland, went to lunch with me and we talked for a couple of hours.  i very much enjoyed it.
there is more……. but i can’t find my butt and i know that it is tired.  i’mma go look for it and take it to bed.