Madness takes it’s toll

Things are just so f*cking crazy sometimes. Some things in my life are so perfect, and others have just gone to shit, and I’m just kind of sitting here in the middle… being lifted up and brought down at the same time. My relationship with Ash is stronger than ever. There was a period of time where we argued about something every day, but I can’t even remember the last time we argued. Every now and then I’ll do or say something that pisses her off, she’ll do or say something that pisses me off, we get bitchy and then we get over it. We don’t hold anything back and let each other know how we feel right up front and if it causes any tension we handle it right away; we talk it out and don’t let things linger and manifest. That’s healthy, right? I mean, is that the correct way to handle conflicts of opinion? I like to think so…

I still can’t find an effing job. I did go through an open house at the local airport for a company called Quick Flight, and I think it went pretty well. I hope I get the job, but my tainted driving record may prevent it. The standards that places of employment currently have for any available position is critical at best. It makes it harder for someone like me – who is young and fairly inexperienced – to be a serious contender for any decent position.

The more time I spend living with Ash’s family, the more I realize how awesome Anita (her mom) is, but also that I don’t like Bret (her step dad) one bit. He is fiercely negative, completely hypocritical, and an over all asshole. He treats her mom like he owns her and expects her not to make a move without his knowledge, but then disappears the second she leaves for work and re-appears right before she’s supposed to be home. He actually got in the other night about 5 minutes before her, and come to find out he sent her a text saying that he was sitting at home waiting for her. Even with all that aside, he is so fucking rude to Ash. When she cut her hair, he told her she looked "like a dike" (yes, direct quote.) When she talked about the idea of her joining the military, he said she was too fat (which is fucking ridiculous, she is FAR from. Oh, and GOD forbid she should have any type of scratch or bite mark or hickey… He basically tells her she looks like a whore. I can’t count how many times she’s come downstairs from talking to him and been upset about the things he’s said. He’s an ass to me, too… but my entire previous entry is about the issues I have with him personally. He is just… not a good person. He cheated on Ash’s mom before, he’s made phone calls and asked me to not tell anyone I heard the conversation, and he does the sneaking out thing like I mentioned before… God, I could keep going on about how much of an asshole he is but I’m sure you get the point by now.

I feel so bad for Anita though. She has been through a lot in her life. She has survived cancer and countless other medical conditions, abusive relationships, lies and deceit, her own son disowning her (which I believe is, in large part, thanks to Bret!) and so much other stuff that I know but can’t get in to here. She sacrificed everything for her kids, and Ash appreciates her mother like no other daughter I’ve ever seen. Now that her kids are grown, she should be able to do things SHE wants to do. She should be doing things that she’s always wanted to do, but Bret holds her down. She has mentioned to myself and Ashley several times that she wants to divorce him but he somehow always sweet talks her and gets her to forget about it. I just want her to do it. He doesn’t deserve her.

Anyway, Ash and I are starting to get better with our insecurities about our individual pasts. It’s still really hard for me, but I can’t help it. Just thinking about it makes me sick… thinking of her with other guys, wondering if she told them some of the same things she tells me… One of her ex’s text’d her the other day and I have a problem with him big time, just because of his ‘gangsta’ persona and how he didn’t respect her. I played it cool, I didn’t over-react, I didn’t flip out. I learned to control it, but the feelings didn’t change. I still felt rage-fueled nausea. I know there are certain ex’s of mine that makes her feel that way too, but it’s so different; I was never in serious relationships with any of them, I never told them I loved them, I didn’t do half the shit with them as she did with Jon. She thinks its the same but it’s not the same at all. She loved him. I just have to keep faith that her love for me is strong and her love for him is dead. Certain girls from my past, she has a right to dislike. I’ll give her that. My friend Amy, for example… Ash has every right to hate her. I mean, Amy has been – well, was – my best friend since elementary school. I was up-front with Ash from the get go and told her that nothing ever happened between us but I did like her for a long time. However, Amy did something that put me in a very compromising situation and disrespected Ash in a big way. I didn’t try to defend Amy at all and I didn’t expect Ash to try and forgive her. I don’t really talk to her anymore because of it, but I kept her on my friends list on Facebook. I’ve known her almost my whole life and connections like that – even when they go sour – aren’t easy to just erase… but if Amy comments anything I post or likes my status, it pisses Ash off. I understand though, so I don’t make an issue of it; but there are certain females in my past that she really shouldn’t hate or resent. There’s one girl, Tina, who was literally a one-night-stand WAY before Ash and I were together, who has since moved several states away, and Ash still feels threatened by her. I don’t understand that one. There’s another girl, Chrissy, who I used to work with. We were really good friends, and we did TRY to see if there was any chemistry but there wasn’t so we stopped right away. We remained friends and things weren’t weird, but Ash had a problem with me talking to her so that ended that. I’m not blaming her for ruining any friendships at all, I made the choices to make things easier for her… but it just hate it because it’s not anywhere near the same as her and Jon but she acts like it is.

Sorry… I know I focus on a lot of negative things here, but I guess that’s what this is for in the first place. I love Ashley more than anything in the world, and I can’t believe that one day this amazing, amazing girl is going to be my wife. I am so lucky to have found her. All these things are petty and don’t really matter in the bigger scheme of things. We have each other and we have our love. That’s so much more than anyone else has ever given me, and I can only hope I give that back to her. 🙂