In-Lawful Tension

So there has been a bit of tension between myself and Ash’s stepfather. The main reason is money – I can’t find a job, and in an economy where men and women who have 20+ years experience and outstanding resumes are in line at the Food Stamp office, it’s no wonder. I am getting unemployment because I was laid off 2 months ago, and that is just barely covering our bills. Her dad is on my case about not trying hard enough… trust me, I’m trying my hardest. I haunt the hell out of every I’ve applied to, I drive around for hours looking for ‘Help Wanted’ signs, and I don’t give up. One big problem is where we live; for a 21-year-old with a degree in Graphic Design, South West Florida isn’t exactly an ideal place to prosper. I know that if I were back in Boston, there would be much more opportunity not only for me, but for Ashley and her photography desires. We’ve talked about going up there, but she’s a long way from agreeing to it.

Anyway, back to the tension… another big factor is simply a conflict of personalities. He is very, very big on ‘being in the loop’ and knowing every detail of everything you do. For some reason, he feels it is disrespectful to do things without his knowledge. It is a completely bizarre concept to me, but it’s how Ash’s family is. They are very open with one another and they communicate about every little thing. At first, this was a huge challenge for me because I’m a very private person. I like to do my own thing, on my own time, without having to explain myself. If I want to just go for a car ride and clear my head, why do I need to explain it to the whole family? This was a huge issue when Ash and I first got together; she saw it as me being secretive and keeping things from her, but my reasoning was, ‘if it was no big deal, why do I have to tell you about it?’ For example, when she’d come home from work and ask what I did that day, I would normal reply, "nothing really". Then later on I would mention seeing my mom, and she would think "okay, you didn’t tell me you saw your mom today, why did you lie about what you did?" Little things like that turned into huge issues… like I said, she saw it as me keeping things from her where I saw it as there being no point in telling her such minuscule details of my day. We eventually sort of met in the middle on the issue; it got to where I would tell her where I was going and what I was doing without her having to ask, which made me feel like I wasn’t being hounded or controlled, and made her feel good that I was being honest and open with her. She knows me well enough now to know if I don’t tell her something it is not because I’m keeping it hidden, but simply because it’s not on my mind so I don’t think to mention it. Wow, I digress…. so her step-dad is sort of the same way as her, just more extreme. He is a control freak when it comes to knowing what’s going on and what everyone’s plans are. From his point of view, he sees me as being sneaky, unpredictable and disrespectful. My argument is this: I tell Ash everything and that should be good enough. When we got engaged, we essentially started our own family… it’s her and I now, and we are each others world. She is my world, she is my everything, and when we have kids they will be my world and my everything, too. I am not engaged to him, so it is my opinion that he shouldn’t be acting the way he is. If I’m doing everything right with his stepdaughter, and she is happy and completely satisfied with how things are, what is his problem?

Now, he and Ash’s mom helped me out a great deal when I needed it. When my own family betrayed me, they stood by me and helped me get back on my feet. They gave me food, shelter, and love. I am eternally grateful for that, and I have let them know that on so many occasions. Where I can’t pay them back in finances, I try to do other things to show my appreciation… simple things like cleaning up when they aren’t home, doing their dishes, taking out the trash, yard work, and so on. It’s just crazy that this one personality conflict has manifested into such an awkward and tense situation between us… and it’s not all of us, because Ash’s mom is amazing and I have no issues with her at all – she accepts me for who and what I am, and she understands that I am a product of my environment; if you are raised as I was, with being given a tremendous amount of independence and personal space, it shouldn’t be expected of me to suddenly become this overly-open, co-dependent person that I’m clearly not.

The one thing that really pissed me off about this is how he went about this issue. Rather than talking to me about it or saying, "hey man, could you just let me know what’s going on from time to time so I’m not in the dark and wondering all the time," he talked to Ash about it and tried to plant a lot of doubts in her mind. He told her that when she’s at work, I get dressed up and put cologne on and take off without telling anyone what I’m doing. Is this the truth? Yes. What am I doing? Looking for a damn job! He tried to make it seem like I’m cheating on her or something. The fact that I don’t tell him where I’m going just goes along with what I was saying earlier about me being a private person. What good does that awkward exchange do? "Hey, just came to tell you I’m leaving… Well, bye." I simply don’t see the point in that… It wasn’t something I was required to do growing up, so it’s not something I’m comfortable doing with my fiance’s parents. I’m happy my grandparents raised me the way they did, it was very old-school but it made me fiercely independent and completely capable of handling almost any situation of my own. They were there to protect me, but also let me get hurt and let me figure out how to fix it. They let me find out about choices and consequences on my own, the hard way. They let me figure out what I was good at and never pushed me to be a certain way, and I did just fine. I was always polite to adults, I never asked for more than I gave, and I respected everything around me. Just from everything I know and have heard about Ash’s upbringing, it was quite an extreme opposite of mine. She was told what was right and wrong rather than shown; she was told about consequences rather than experiencing them; she was protected and sheltered, loved and cared for in a different way that I was. Her step-dad has only-child-syndrome and doesn’t understand why I am the way I am… and what people don’t understand makes them angry. That’s what the route of all of this is. I just now figured it out as I typed this. He doesn’t understand why I’m not like him, and he can’t figure it out, so it makes him angry. Oh, and another thing he said was, "where does all his money go?" and, again, tried to get Ash to second guess me. I have been so open about my money, how much I get, and what bills I have to pay. That’s actually one thing I am open about, so that irked me.

Anyway, I just needed to vent about that and get it off my chest. I am refusing to go to him and talk about it because he is the one with the problem, not me. If he wants a resolution, he needs to be a man and come to me about it. I just find it so ironic that he acted so devious and sneaky because he t

hinks I’m being… devious and sneaky… hmm?