Oh wait, I care.

My alarm clock went off this morning and my first thought was, "Hey, I could reasonably say that I feel rested." My second thought was, "Hey, I am not horridly depressed! I feel okay!" Within ten minutes (of laying there pushing snooze for no reason) my thoughts had spiraled into self-hatred and dread. What is all that about? Why do I always feel so bad in the morning? Am I really such a bad person?

Then, I came out to the living room and checked my Facebook. I had commented last night on an old acquaintance’s (someone I would REALLY like to be actual friends with, used to idolize in high school, etc.) status about being offended by a perhaps-racist term a trainer had used in a presentation at her new job. She had asked if she was out of line being offended, voiced that in school, she would have punched the person who said something like that in the face and gotten suspended, but wasn’t sure how to respond now, and all of that. I gave a thoughtful answer. Actually spent about ten minutes putting it out there. Cared about it, and how my advice might impact her. Some other people said stuff like, "He’s a racist bastard, walk out!" or conversely, "Meh, get over it." A few comments after mine, her brother said essentially the same thing I did, only much shorter and full of cliches. The acquaintance responded at some point over night, addressed the "get over it" commenter, and said she was going to take the advice of her big brother, and thanked him. Not a word to me.

And WHO EFFING CARES?! Oh wait, me. Yeah, it’s stupid. It’s reeeally stupid to be deflated over that. To be hurt and feel disregarded and rejected and not good enough. Embarrassed to have said anything. Doubtful of my words, my impulse to say anything, etc. But after a few moments of that kind of thinking, I realized, "Well, Self: You obviously didn’t offer your thoughts just to help. You offered them expecting or hoping to be praised, thanked, acknowledged as a smart, worthy person. That’s what you can take from this… stop DOING that."

And I don’t know, I guess I felt better after that. I mean, like an idiot who has a lot to learn, but at least an idiot who IS hopefully learning.