Most People Aren’t Trying

I started writing on Open Diary in 2001. But I deleted that diary. Makes me a bit sad now. If I think about it.

Obviously SC and I didn’t work out. That last little whine of an entry came immediately after I discovered that he had a new girlfriend and had even "claimed her" by name on his facebook, which he never did with me because, he said, he was old-fashioned in that he wanted his mom to actually meet me before "meeting me" online. The girl is nothing like the me I was being, as usual.

There is this concept that is fairly foreign to me: being myself. I can’t reveal myself in a relationship, because I am disgusting and pathetic and weak and worthless. But I KNOW how to be awesome, and if I can fool you into thinking I AM awesome, and you love me because of it, then I will live awesomely ever after. I don’t know. I’m upset with myself.

My sister (not the one who was recently diagnosed as having Dissociative Identity Disorder, lol) was recently diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. This is what the other sister’s therapist decided our mom had without ever having met her. Anyway, I read the DSM-IV diagnosis and am pretty convinced I have it too. Who knows, but I need work… so much work.

I am disgusted with myself for some REAL reasons. I should fix those things, patterns, habits, whatever… so that I can reasonably expect to be loved even if I AM a complete crazy-face in relationships. And then I would be less of a crazy-face because I’d have less reason to feel insecure, right? Except when I "fix" things about me it still feels like faking and pretending and lying, and then to top it all off, when people turn out to NOT love me despite all that effort, I feel totally slighted, because I most people aren’t trying NEARLY so hard and they get love. It all just seems so hopeless.