I hardly remember how bad it was.

I guess you could say I’m "down" this morning.

When I was checking my Facebook (and B’s, lol) I saw that he had re-friended his possible ex-wife (we’ll call her P.E.W. or Pew from here on out, haha…love it.) on Facebook. Then suddenly I could see her profile again. She is gorgeous and has all these friends that have been there for her during their separation and she seems really sweet and resilient and…flawless. And he wants her back.

B and I have been talking just about every day since they split. He came through town and spent the night at my house a couple weeks ago. I guess that’s mostly what did it. He made me feel amazing. Up until that point I’d been telling him to "fix it" with her. Now that he wants to…I want to curl up and die.

See…M is B’s son too…technically. We had a long, excructiating past by the time I got pregnant…and we weren’t even dating when it happened. When I told him about the situation, we spent about a week planning a future together before I realized (mostly because he was a real a-hole a lot of the time) that my child and I would be better off on our own. B agreed with me, and off I went.

I’m making it sound easier on both of us than it was.

But…before I had even moved out of town, he was dating Pew. He married her nine months later. She knows nothing about M.

I have gotten a master’s degree since we split. I’ve given birth to and begun raising the most amazing little boy I could imagine. I am proud of myself…but it’s hard. And I am so alone.

Now B is in therapy, working on all the screwed up things in his past that have made him so impossible to have a relationship with. He’s in school and has some concrete, plausible goals. He says he doesn’t think he gave Pew a fair shake.

Um…hello?

But also, I know that getting back together would be hard. His sons (the teenager is out of the house now) know me, but they don’t know about M either. My family would disown me…although, you know, whatever.

He still says M and I are better off without him. We were if he was never going to turn around…but if he is…I want a do-over!

He makes me laugh. He understands me in ways nobody does. He makes me more adventurous. He is the only person I have ever been in love with. And he’s M’s dad, you know? Or…he could be.

When I left B, I had this belief that I was going to meet and marry someone fabulous, who would be together, and sane, and would accept my son and love him like his own. M deserves and needs a father. The reality is, there’s no reason for me to believe I’m going to find this OTHER Prince Charming. (However, I could vastly improve my chances by losing some weight and am working on it, ha.)

I don’t know. I want what’s best for M, and I want to be happy. I am sick of being alone.

(I hardly remember how bad it was, how little he seemed to love me in the past.)