I am having trouble…

 …in my relationship. (And even though I started this with a reference to my adult relationships, the scarier, sadder part is the fact that I, too, am somebody’s mother. I don’t think I was a very good mom today. Am I most days? How do I NOT do this shit to M?)

After Brian died, I stumbled into Al-Anon and then Adult Children of Alcoholics, and had a million "aha" type feelings. Lately, my sister has been telling me about how our mom has actually got borderline personality disorder (my sister, A, has been seeing this Christian therapist for years who may be a quack and has diagnosed A with several things, and my ten-year-old niece with OCD, and apparently my mom without ever meeting her, so I don’t know…but anyway) and that she’s reading a book about BPD moms and how that affects their kids. I haven’t gotten the book, but I just did some googling, and holy hell. Here’s a quick list, underlined are ones that definitely pertain to me:

Some characteristics of adults shamed in childhood

1. Adults shamed as children are afraid of vulnerability and fear of exposure of the self.

2. Adults shamed as children may suffer extreme shyness, embarrassment and feelings of being inferior to others. They don’t believe they make mistakes. Instead they believe they are mistakes.

3. Adults shamed as children fear intimacy and tend to avoid real commitment in relationships. These adults frequently express the feeling that one foot is out of the door prepared to run.

4. Adults shamed as children may appear either grandiose and self-centered or seem selfless.

5. Adults shamed as children feel that, "No matter what I do, it won’t make a difference; I am and always will be worthless and unlovable."

6. Adults shamed as children frequently feel defensive when even a minor negative feedback is given. They suffer feelings of severe humiliation if forced to look at mistakes or imperfections.

7. Adults shamed as children frequently blame others before they can be blamed. (Absolutely not, in my case. I guess this might be an area where also having the alcohol-related issues comes into play?)

8. Adults shamed as children may suffer from debilitating guilt These individuals apologize constantly. They assume responsibility for the behavior of those around them.

9. Adults shamed as children feel like outsiders. They feel a pervasive sense of loneliness throughout their lives, even when surrounded with those who love and care.

10. Adults shamed as children project their beliefs about themselves onto others. They engage in mind-reading that is not in their favor, consistently feeling judged by others. (Oh my god, do I! This is the main problem I am having with SC right now.)

11. Adults shamed as children often feel ugly, flawed and imperfect. These feelings regarding self may lead to focus on clothing and makeup in an attempt to hide flaws in personal appearance and self.

12. Adults shamed as children often feel angry and judgmental towards the qualities in others that they feel ashamed of in themselves. This can lead to shaming others.

13. Adults shamed as children often feel controlled from the outside as well as from within. Normal spontaneous expression is blocked.

14. Adults shamed as children feel they must do things perfectly or not at all. This internalized belief frequently leads to performance anxiety and procrastination.

15. Adults shamed as children experience depression.

16. Adults shamed as children block their feelings of shame through compulsive behaviors like workaholism, eating disorders, shopping, substance abuse, list-making or gambling.

17. Adults shamed as children lie to themselves and others.

18. Adults shamed as children often have caseloads rather than friendships. (Not so much anymore as I used to…but my closest friends are NEVER the people I like and respect the most, which I think is related.)

19. Adults shamed as children often involve themselves in compulsive processing of past interactions and events and intellectualization as a defense against pain. (Um, DEBILITATINGly compulsive processing of past interactions and events, minus the part where I do anything to defend myself against pain.)

20. Adults shamed as children have little sense of emotional boundaries. They feel constantly violated by others. They frequently build false boundaries through walls, rage, pleasing or isolation.

21. Adults shamed as children are stuck in dependency or counter-dependency.

Jane Middleton-Moz