Before Work

I’m sitting in the cafeteria at work, enjoying some ice water and Halloween candy before my shift starts. M requested a story, Bingo, when I dropped him off in his class. There are so many good things about this job. I don’t know.

Where do my feelings stand with B? I think there is only one (pretty superficial) thing that makes me reluctant. All the rest seems to have fallen away or into place. He still needs some convincing. I don’t know why, but that doesn’t really offend me, despite him being M’s father and having known me for a decade. He’s not sure we’re good for each other, I think, and I can’t say that I blame him. It would be nice to be the one who needs to be convinced again though. I need to back off of the romantic assumption in my head. I need to be just friends without applying unintended pressure. Yesterday I accidentally half-said “I love you” and it’s just because, well, I do… but mostly because in my head, my perspective comes from a place of “coupleness.”

When he came to visit, I hardly touched him until he’d pulled me in for deep hugs or dancing a couple times, but then it was on: full-on couple caressing. Woke him up from the couch to ask him into my bed, where we bothe struggled mightily to stick to no sex. But cuddling is couple stuff too. Either one of us could get hurt.