Bad*

"Moreover, effective parenting by the mother with BPD is compromised by instability in her sense of her own self. Overall, those with BPD maintain a negative self-image and feelings of worthlessness. It is also typical for adults with BPD to make abrupt changes in aspirations, vocation, sexual identity and values (APA, 2000). Since it is through the unique relationship with the mother that the infant develops a sense of self, this distorted, unpredictable, and fluctuating self image of the mother is likely to have negative effects on the child’s own self image."
 

This rings true to me…I don’t have BPD, but if I was raised and socialized to feel/act/live in certain ways by a mother with BPD, some of that would become a part of my own personality. The paragraph above describes the biggest "symptom" I have, and what I’m afraid it will do to M. Before he was born and through his first year, it was really really important for me to establish routines, small family customs, etc. I wasn’t very good at it, but I wanted it. I have let that slack off in the past nine months or so. I have been terrible at establishing much that is routine for us. M doesn’t even sleep in the same place every night…whether it is in his crib, or with me…I don’t even have my BED in the same place for long stretches of time. This is hard to explain. I’m just…I don’t know. Failing?

And that part about making abrupt changes in aspirations, vocation, etc? If you’ve even read the few entries in this diary, you could see that. A month before finishing my master’s in teaching I had decided to become a lawyer next. Fuck me.

I am scared and sad and tired.

*edit: I am just so depressed. It’s ridiculous. I need to snap out of it. I KNOW it’s circumstances…I mean, three weeks ago I went from being busy literally 20 hours a day to having nothing but parenting to do. I don’t do well without forced structure of some sort. And my inability to make the most of my time and stay entertained and on top of things makes me feel lazy and worthless and awful. I know I need to (and am seemingly able to) keep this out of my relationship with SC as far as he knows (in my head I’m totally screwy, but I THINK I’m acting at least mostly reasonable) but I am not doing so well with the rest of my life. I am so…blah.

M and I also have colds. And it’s been gray any rainy for days. That doesn’t help. I got us up and out for a run/walk earlier and it started absolutely pouring as soon as we went out. I just feel like total crap and can’t seem to fix it. I took a shower just now…hoping that will help. Need to clean. Really need to clean.