05/30/2010

So, I will be getting drunk and writing a very long entry tonight. Fun, yeah? Well, I only had four beers (SC left them) and I already had one, so we’ll see if I actually drink them fast enough for a buzz. But, yeah. Long-ass entry. An entry for alllll night. Because I am that cool on a Saturday night.

10:05 pm:

Broke up with SC officially today. He gave approximately half of a smidgen of a damn. I have been hurt and sad and disappointed for days, and somehow this evening came to the realization that he gave me clues about having intimacy issues, lol, and that he ran away, but not ONLY from me, also from an ex-wife. So, I am slightly less sad. If I can keep it up, I might feel like a bit of a normal person. Usually, romantic heartbreak for me is like…ENDLESS and absolutely unendurable, and this was a fucking good guy, unlike B, who I spent eight years on.

I could only put up with feeling back-burnered for two weeks this time. I am NOT that needy, I swear. He backed off big time. And then tonight he used the c-word: crazy. I HATE that word being used on or near my expression of emotions. Because I am SO measured. I try so hard to NOT be crazy. And, granted, he didn’t call me crazy, actually. He said my reading into things that weren’t there was driving HIM crazy. But still. Fuck him. Don’t steal reality from me.

I don’t know a girl who would NOT think something was amiss if you SUDDENLY went from seeing her three or four times a week and spending the night to spending TWO HOURS with her over a period of two weeks. I don’t think it requires a lot of reading into things to see that that is a man backing away. But then I am also not sure, because he did text and call me several thousand times a day, but I felt like his mommy or his tutor, not someone he felt passionate about. And when I told him, he made no effort to prove his affections. No effort at all. Just said he was busy and it wasn’t going to get better and in the beginning he let things slip to spend so much time with me, but knew he was neglecting me now in order to turn that around. So, yeah. (I didn’t even WANT to see him three or four times a week. I have a child. I wanted one going-OUT-date a week and some reassurance that he was into me.)

I have a book from the library, called "Why Men Marry Bitches." Apparently it’s not that I need to be mean…just completely not myself, lol. Anyway, I will be reading that, because dammit, it hurts to realize that the fucking Golden Rule doesn’t apply to dating, and I’m sick of caring and giving and being awesome and getting left for it.

*End transmission 1. Edits to follow.*

12:15 am:

I drank all four beers by 10:35 or something. Am having trouble typing, lol. But then I talked to my friend Jenn instead of writing here. And texted like crazy (was that actually before my entry? Ah shit, I have no idea.) with K (man, if you ever read my old diary, you’d know) and April (my psychologist friend) and Debra, my step sister.

Wow, I must be drunk because it took FOR FUCKING EVER to write that paragraph.

I wanted Jenn to come over, get my debit card, and go buy me beer, lol…or buy me beer and come over an I’d pay her back later, but she’s not like that. I joked about it and she just laughed. We looked up pizza places that delivered beer. None. Lame. But also, I don’t want to eat pizza. Probably why I got wasted (I never am able to drink fast enough these days, I mean, to get DRUNK drunk and not just silly fleeting buzzed that goes away in three seconds) is that today, in addition to doing lots of exersissimo, I only ate a string cheese and a few pieces of sushi. Nothing like break-up brain to aid you in the weight-loss efforts.

So…in other news, I want to somehow simultaneously be an excellent mother and a kickass, fun adult. Is this possible? I don’t want to be a single parent. You have to be perfect when you’re single. I am not perfect. I am sad.

And now I have a headache. Lol. Lame.

*End Transmission 2*