Un Ano (Insert tilde)

Wow, it’s still here.  This Diary.

Wow, it’s still here.  My Life.

I may have actually gotten over myself (and you, and you and oh…you) enough to write here again.  To read here again.  To breathe.

If I look back far enough, I’m sure I’ll see it was near this date 10 years ago that I started writing here. (Edit: It was exactly 10 years ago).  I was bumming over some girl that didn’t really matter in the grand scheme of things.  And here I am again, bumming over another girl.

This time, that girl is me.

It’s snowing for the first time in I can’t remember.  I’m sure today’s snowfall will double what we’ve seen so far this year.  At least I don’t have to drive in it, or feel in on my face, or even see it, really.  Maybe I should, though.  I can numb out on it like I’ve numbed out on everything else.

I told Nette that I’ve been far too social in these last few weeks.  It’s only been a few days a week of being with people, but it feels exhausting.  My hermit-itis is re-emerging (Ha!) and I just want to hide, hide, hide.  Wallow and hide.  Maybe that should be my new nickname.

It sucks being unemplyed, and it’s a wonderful thing a the same time.  Sucks because I have no money, and too much time on my hands.  I usually don’t get dressed until about 3:30 each day.  I’m running out of things to watch on television.

It’s a wonderful thing because – I don’t have to get dressed until 3:30 each day!  I also don’t have the work stress and frustration.  No more migraines.  The stress level in our house, believe it or not, is far better than it was when we were both working.

The “no money” situation is hard, though.  I am terrified that she will not find a job, but I will, and the whole kit and kaboodle will fall on me.  ::insert video of me crumbling here::

Went to lunch with a friend yesterday, and learned that she and I have very similar demons.  I listened for a while and tried my best to help her figure out the path by relating my story.  It was fun.  We talked over two “bitchin” pots of tea in a cute little tea house on S. Broadway.  I would love to go again.

Truth be told, I think she has the most amazing and fun life. In my own way, I want to be just like her when I grow up!

I felt the urge to write here because I told her how much journaling has helped me over the years…especially at work.  It was so great to pop open a window screen and vent, vent, vent!  Pound it out on the keyboard and see all those miserable thoughts and feelings moving across the computer screen.  Pour it out.  Figure it out. Move right on.

Now that I’m here, I don’t feel poetic or romantic.  I don’t want to talk about her anymore. I don’t want to think about the cryptic them anymore.  I feel like the connections here should be gone, yet they haunt me. They call me back, again and again.  My dreams tell me that I am not done here.  I hate that my subconscious goes back to those missed connections.  The magnetic energy that once was still exists on this side.  And as much as a very small part of me wants it to be, I doubt it would be reciprocated.

Bottom line: this place became so important to me, but not because of me.
Take all of your wasted honor
Every little past frustration
Take all of your so-called problems,
Better put ’em in quotations

Where are the days where love was so abundant?  Where creativity was what mattered?  Where is my young, beautiful partner who was so passionate and true?  I loved how her art sang out ot me.  I loved how we could talk and laugh for hours.  I loved how we dreamed and created and loved and….

…it was all lies.  Wasn’t it?

Where are the days when I had no words to express what I felt?  Where are the tears that would spring when I would even try?  Where are the passionate kisses and the crys in the night that told everyone the truth?  Where is the comfort and the warmth and the joy, joy, joy?  Where is the smile on your face and that one little tilted head look that could still make my heart skip a beat?  Where are the dirty text messages about what I’m gonna do to you when I get home?  Where did you go?  And why did the offspring of someone else’s womb have to become more important than the offspring of mine?

I just want to live me life.  I want it to be happy and content.  I want to be surrounded by comfort and love.

Cast out ye cursed demons.  Leave me to my loved ones and the feeling of freedom.  That is all I want.  Just that.

Oh, and maybe some chocolate pudding.

The journey is the reward.

Lao-Tzu