Today

Today I am here. Existing. Tired and hungry and sad. Always sad.
It’s the weekend before Christmas. Family is in town. Some staying with us. I love them and I don’t want people in my house. I have never really liked it and this is not the weekend for it.
It feels like my lows are really, really low now. I crash and I have nothing left. I have no reserves. It is barely okay or nothing at all.
I want to ask if I can visit in January but I am not ready to hear no again. I am not supposed to be hiding but I think that is what I am doing. I am testing her. I am testing her to see how long it will all go before I hear from her.
My brain is exhausting. I don’t like this anymore. I never did.

I am tired. Can this be over now, please?