Stressors

Our Punkin’ is sick. The vet told us to up her meds and spend some quality time with her because it won’t be long.

LW cried. I cried. The next day we cried again. I cannot handle this now.

Work is shite. I am trying to be okay. I am working hard at being okay. I realized today how much I’ve been resisting being on the phones. It’s because I was doing so much non-phone work before, and now I’m on the phones full time and it’s exhausting. The number of calls I’m taking per day isn’t even hitting the average calls per person. I feel remedial, though I do have 4 days less on the phones than my peers.

Of course she helps me. She helps me think things through. She told me today to take things one day at a time to stop thinking so much – to stop worrying. She talked to me about self care. She talked to me about doing the things that make me happy – coaching/training others. She is right, as always.

I am doing better with all of that. It’s not all about her all the time – only some of the time. LOL We had a nice conversation last week and she told me some things about her that I would guess she wouldn’t necessarily tell anyone. She told me this story about a friend making a very personalized and touching gesture as an invitation to a movie, and then later she found this friend had gone to the movie with someone else and didn’t invite her. She said she was devastated. Probably because she was young and a stay at home mom and yearning for a friend. The minute she said the friend went with others, I could so empathize. She says she doesn’t have very many close female friends because women are petty and that she can tell the kind of friend you would be from the beginning. I can relate to that somewhat, but really my close friendships have always been with women and rarely with men.

I can see why she feels the way she does. She is smart and pretty and talented and has a way with people. And she says in the past she had used her charms and beauty to get what she wants. And, people throw rocks at things that shine. Women get jealous.

We also had a conversation about how people don’t pay attention in relationships. They don’t listen to the details and value them the way they should. I can tell that she holds on to things. 20 years later she’s still struck by the friend who reneged on the invitation. 35 years later, she still thinks about the time someone came and stole her tickets from the ski-ball machine. She talks about boundaries. She talks about how people screw her once and never again. I think that sounds harsh, but for her that is true.

It is a warning, in a way. Maybe it’s a prize as well? A notification of the reward of friendship? Not sure. Only time will tell.

Time. Time. Time. Isn’t that what it’s all about? Proof is in time.

I love her. I hope she loves me. I hope she’s as dedicated. I hope it sticks.

But if it doesn’t, this too shall pass.