Little She Knows, Little She Cares

Broken record.

Some days it’s worse. Others it’s better. I normally cannot figure out what is what. Where am I at this moment? Better, I think. At least I feel like it’s not overwhelming me or driving me insane. I do get tired, though. And when I’m emotional I just want it to go away. I don’t really understand why I’m having these thoughts. Over and over again.

Marci says it’s a distraction. She said when her dad died she thought about moving home and marrying her high school boyfriend and escaping it all. But is that what this is? I am definitely distracted. And I am vulnerable. And part of me is intentionally trying to be. Brene Brown and all that. I am trying to stay open and not shut myself down to hide from everything and everyone. I am doing a pretty good job, I think. It just leaves me exposed in so many ways and it’s frustrating and emotional to be that way.

She’s leaving. The job is ending and she’s leaving. Before that she is not going to be my boss anymore. She says she’ll stay in touch but it will probably be a FB thing. I am not good at the keeping in touch thing. I am not good at reaching out. I very rarely ask for help and I have asked her for it multiple times. She does ask me for help at times, but it’s not anything emotional or vulnerable. It is just stuff.

She is kinda up and down, I’ve noticed. Not that all of us aren’t. But she just stops in the middle of something and she’s done. No more conversation. It’s interesting.

I wonder if she’s always had that “attracting” energy. I wonder if that’s innate to her. I wonder lots of things about her. At this point, I think I’m most interested in meeting her husband to see what he is like. She says he’s a storyteller and a total extrovert. I bet he’s a blast.

It usually makes me very sad to think that I won’t ever see or hang out with her again. But today I am resigned to it.

When I was talking to Angie about all of this, she asked if it was a romantic crush. I told her I thought it was initially but I felt like that had changed. And then I had that dream, and I know it is romantic in some manner. And I was sitting in the movie theater and I had a “vision” if you will. It was so real. It was unnerving.

I thought this would be more helpful than it’s been.