Hard

It’s hard to love her, because I feel like she was the catalyst to the end.  And it’s hard to not love her because she belongs to B, and B & K belong to J, and I still love J.  It’s hard to not love that little girl because she’s just a little girl and not her fault.  And it’shard to not love really, really cute little girls.

My dog is sick.  Not sure really how sick, but she seems pretty sick.  I don’t want her to die.  It doesn’t seem right because she’s always been healthy, and now all of a sudden she’s throwing up, and her breath is rattling, and she’s having seisures.  The seisures are scary.

She’s 16, and I’ve been watching her for three years now, knowing that this day could come soon, but still.  I’m good when the animals have lived a long happy life and don’t seem to be in that place anymore, but Sammy…she is so happy all the time.  Deaf and blind, and she’s just happy all the time.  

I don’t want her to go.  I love her so much.

I have decided, I think, that I am not going anywhere.  Unbelievably, I like my life.  The kids don’t matter.  Not really.  I like my life, and if that means that I get to stay with L, and I don’t have kids, then I am okay.  Today anyway.  I won’t say anything yet because I have a tendency to change my mind about these things about 15 times a day.