Find a Reason

Today has been a very long day.
 
I spent some time with my mom this weekend. Movies and a bit of lunch. The Bee Movie wasn’t so hot. Neither was lunch.
 
That day, my mother told me she has breast cancer.
 
It’s hard for me to wrap my head around it. Cancer? Really? MY mom? It doesn’t make sense. How many diseases can one person have? Why her? She’s already been through so much illness.
 
She had a MRI on Friday, and the cancer hasn’t spread, and they caught it very early. My mom had a doctor’s appointment on Monday to find out more about how they’ll proceed with the treatment. I’m hoping it’s a lumpectomy and maybe some radiation. I’m hoping for no mastectomy or chemotherapy. The mastectomy would be too much for her emotionally, and the chemotherapy would be too much for her physically.
 
I am a bit scared. I am scared of the chemotherapy. I am scared that she is already so weakened that poisoning her body will kill her. I have thoughts like, “Is this the last year I will have with my mother?”
 
She’s only 59 years old.
 
I have often wondered what life would be like if my mother wasn’t here. What would my relationship with my father be like? Would I see him on a regular basis? Would he find someone else to marry? Would he stay in the house he has, or would he move? Would he be closer or farther from me? Would I be able to stand that life moved on without my mother? Who would take care of me after that? Who would be the one person I could call at any time day or night and know that s/he would do literally anything for me?
 
I don’t want to jump. I know it’s early stage. I know it hasn’t spread. I know, that no matter what happens, it will all be okay. I am just tired of being the one with some kind of tragedy/drama. I’m tired of constantly working through something or worrying about something. Tired.
 
When does it get better? When does it stop? Each January, I think, “This will be the best year. It will be better than the last few years,” and then somehow it just falls apart.
 
I don’t want a pity party anymore. I don’t want some kind of life altering event to happen each year. Granted, I have grown and changed from each of these events, but they aren’t positive experiences.
 
People say things like this are character building. I answer with, “I already have enough character!”
 
::sigh::
 
I suppose that’s the way it goes sometimes.
 
In other news, I went to visit Volley and her son. He is a cute and kinda goofy lookin’ kid. He’s 9.5 months old at this point and is walking pretty well. A bit wobbly, but definitely walking. He’s been a mama’s boy this last couple of weeks – shy of strangers, which unfortunately I am, and always wants mom. I got about 5 seconds of playtime with just him since he’s so people shy, and I picked him up once, but once he figured out it wasn’t mom holding him, he freaked out.
 
I’m amazed by all the little kids in our family now.  It’s pretty cool.
 
Sunday evening I met my craigslist friend at her house for a glass of wine and then we walked over to the local sushi restaurant. I ordered way too much sushi again, of course. 
 
We laughed hysterically as we have a very similar sense of humor (the alcohol helped, of course). We managed to find even more in common with each other. We are both helplessly addicted to Diner Dash and plan on having a tournament to prove who is the ultimate winner. (Me, of course!)
 
We had too much to drink, and Bama (she’s from Alabama) decided she wanted to go down to the bar to meet the infamous Dakota. She called her girlfriend on the way there to check in and tell her what was going on…and they fought the entire drive to the bar! Agh! The girlfriend is jealous, and I could only hear one side of the conversation, but it was like I was listening to Dakota talk to me when we get into one of our “discussions.” It was crazy!
 
Once Bama got off the phone, I told her, “You need to get out now. It’s only going to get worse.” The girlfriend went from Bama being a lying cheat to a raging alcoholic in a matter of minutes. Sounds like girlfriend is pretty insecure. I’m pretty sure she’s a serial monogamist just from the way she and Bama hooked up — girlfriend hadn’t even broken up with her live-in girlfriend at that point, AND the girlfriend didn’t move out until 3 weeks ago, even thought she and Bama have been dating for 2.5 months.
 
Bama emailed this morning and said she wasn’t sure that this girl was the right one for her.
 
I related some of this to Dakota this morning, and she warned me and said that it sounds like Bama likes me. Now what it the world does any of this have to do with me? It’s funny how the tables have turned a little bit. Used to be that any of Dakota’s friends came around, and I was bugged by the fact that they might have a crush on her, and now that I’m friends with people she doesn’t know, SHE thinks they all have a crush on me!
 
On Saturday, she made a comment about one ofmy colleagues liking me. I keep telling her to stop trying to give me away!
 
So it’s Monday. And I’m tired from lack of sleep and too much imbibing. I didn’t really process the whole cancer thing over the weekend, and so when I came to work today, and was low energy, one of my co-workers commented about it and I told her about my mom, and they I was crying at work, AGAIN! UGH!
 
Must. Not. Cry. At. Work!
 
 

The journey is the reward Lao-Tzu