Every Time

Every time I pledge to shut it down; every time I say “this is it” I see something or think of something and “reach out” before I remember my new resolve and I have to start over again.

I have conversations with you in my head. This is different because the way I answer is not the way that you would answer. I think this is why you surprise me so much. I think I know you, but I don’t. You’re a fantasy in my head and that isn’t fair to either one of us. It should be exciting that you are your own person and you keep me on my toes but it isn’t. It’s painful.

I am a giant ball of emotion that roils from minute to minute. It is exhausting. My brain never stops, even when I sleep. There isn’t any respite. Sounds like a case for meditation.

I’m even too tired to rehash it here.