Connecting the Dots

#1 Remember when we would come here and recall our crazy nights at the club, on the mountain, at dinner, at the party, at the, at the, at the…

Remember those long recap posts where I would type out every crazy thing that happened in those days? It was so much fun and it didn’t matter what she thought because it was all in fun and no one knew what was really boiling under the surface.

Remember when you were just this really nice and generous guy that taught me how to snowboard and included me in his life? No one would have believed it in those early days. But I gave them the proof. Not sure they really ever believed it. I maybe never should have.

#2 Remember when we were just friends? Remember when we hung out and laughed and had fun? Remember when I didn’t know he was “forcing” you to hang out? Remember when we listened to Kasey Chambers for the first time in your car and you talked about what this song meant to you and that song meant to you? Remember when you laughed as I listened to “Cover of the Rolling Stones” for the first time and thought it was the weirdest song? Remember when you “really were quite fond” of me? Remember?

Remember when I realized I didn’t want to be just.like.you 20 years from then?

But this isn’t about you or you. You’re just the first memories that come to mind when I come back here.

Read between the lines.

#3 Remember the time we were racing back to school after breakfast? You were opening your birthday present and you wanted me to shift from 3rd to 4th. Remember the time the car died on the side of the road so we pulled over and left the hazards flashing and then we had to go back and turn them off so the battery didn’t die?

Remember when I just really wanted to be your friend and you sorta kinda weren’t that interested? Now I wonder if you thought I wanted something more than friendship. For the record, I never did. I just wanted to hang out and be best friends.

Remember when we were talking on the phone and you read the lyrics for the new Duran, Duran album? I still cannot hear that song without thinking of you. Nor can I watch the “Take on Me” video without you popping in my head.

Remember when I stayed with your family for 2 weeks because I was so fucked up in the head? I wanna throw up when I think about those days. It is mortifying to me to remember. I wish I had never left my house. I wish I had never felt those kinds of emotions. I wish I had never asked for that. It was too much.

I wish I was never that girl. (And the dolphins? UGH!)

Remember how you moved back to Colorado and never reached out? Yeah, well, fuck you, too.

#4  Remember how I always liked your sister better than I liked you? Remember how we would all go out and dance and have fun and not care about any damn boy that came around? Remember when you threw popcorn at me when I told you I put my hand through a piece of glass? I lied. I didn’t trust you, even then.

Remember how we would see Pat every year around your birthday? The Grizzly Rose? The Paramount 2nd row center even though we bought the tickets that day? Remember how that turned into a concert in the Pepsi Center parking lot without you?

Grizzly, Paramount x2, Gothic (?), Pepsi Center, Arvada Center. 6 times and counting.

Remember how you always wanted to be better friends than I wanted to be? Remember when you annoyed the piss out of me, but I still went anyway because I thought we’d been friends too long for me to walk away? Remember when I would put up with ALL YOUR FUCKING DRAMA!? Remember when I called your answering machine at 2 in the morning just to tell you what a selfish bitch you were? Remember how you never even brought it up and just kept calling like it was nothing?

Remember when you didn’t believe me? Remember when you blamed me? Remember when you ranted and raved about that night, but it was all about the wrong thing? Remember when my cousin hung up on you because you skipped the important part?

Remember when I sent you a text that said I never wanted to see you again?

Remember how you still never got the message?  To this day…

#4 Remember when our lives were intertwined? Remember when you sang Hit Me with Your Best Shot and I realized the lyrics mentioned a notch in a lipstick case? Remember when you would laugh? Remember the parties we had at your house? The long distance phone calls and not being able to tap the keg and spilled strawberry daiquiri on the rug and a spoonful of tabasco sauce and guzzling a bottle of root beer schnapps?

Remember when we all sat around and tried to match the 80s song lyrics to the artist and song? I had so much fun doing that. Remember how each of us was so good at it? Remember “Where is Pepe’s House?” in seven languages and DaBeaner and Mescian Troll and Mesican Trolla and coloring in the corner of Mesican Barbie’s class? Quien mato la gallina? Gene Simmons!

Remember the guy whipping out his penis on the trampoline and me leaving early and you not even caring or checking on me later?

Remember when we told you not to marry him? Remember how we told you we would help? Remember how shocked I was to hear you were preggers? Remember when you married him anyway? Remember when I showed up at your wedding after a night of being on E? Remember how I drank beer at your wedding reception to make me feel better? Remember how I was “straight as an arrow” sitting on your sofa recovering from a night of debauchery?

Remember when I bought your ticket? Remember when we hung out with our cousins and you sang on stage?

Remember when we were cousins AND friends? Remember when we knew more about each other than what you can see on FB?

#5 Remember when you would talk in that little kid voice and just make me laugh and laugh? Denva! Remember when we said we were going to start a company that made t-shirts with cute animals and funny phrases on them? Remember when we barely knew each other but you came to visit anyway? Remember Hawaii and wrecking the car on the road to Hana and sleeping with the allilator? Remember the harness and exhaustion and you telling the guys to hurry up because I wasn’t going to stay awake?

Remember when you went crazy and you were in the hospital and you would call me every night? Remember how you would scream and call my name when they came to take the phone away? Remember how that was one of the worst things I’ve ever been through?

Remember when you were in the hospital and the cell towers were down and I was texting with your “sister?” Remember how she sent me flowers later? Remember when I called your parents’ house to check on you and they told you to tell me to not call there as they didn’t want to get involved?

Remember when the hurricane came and the tree crashed into the side of the house and your dad had a heart attack? Remember how he died and then he miraculously was found at a hospital in a different city? Remember when I didn’t believe you?

Remember when you were the only comfort I had in the whole world?

#6 Remember when we met and all we wanted to know is if we felt the same way about each other? Remember when I told you I deserved better and I made you a peanut butter and jelly sandwich? Remember how you made me mad so I decided to clean the house? Remember when it was new and didn’t feel old and stale and dry?

#7 Remember when you made me laugh and I had never met anyone like you? Now you won’t even return an email…

#8 Remember when we walked around the bookstore and I asked you question after question? Some would say I grilled you but you hung in there. Remember when you asked me if I thought I could do anything and I said that I thought I could.

Remember how I wanted to get that feeling back >>every.single.day<<

#9a. Remember when I sat there, and the night was cool and peaceful and the stars were out, and I was safe and loved and she sang that song and it was beautiful and one of the best moments of my life?

#9b. Remember when you walked me down the “hill” and we turned the corner and everyone I knew and loved was there looking and smiling and just loving me for me? That was the best moment of my life.

#9c. Remember when we had shitty side stage seats but we still saw the best concert of our lives? Mind blown. I’d do it all again and again.

#9d. Remember when Brian played at the Taste of Colorado for free, and the crowd was sooooo into it that he played again on Monday and we went and we danced and were blown away? What an introduction! And who knew that 25ish years later, I’d run into you again at another Colorado Brian Setzer concert.

#9e. Remember when I couldn’t get out of bed and I didn’t want to eat and watching Grey’s Anatomy saved my life? Remember when they sent a magnetic pulse into my brain and I was “cured”? Remember how the only side effect was the clenching of my teeth? Remember how I’m supposed to be “okay” now? Remember how my life is supposed to be so much better but it kinda sorta is just the same?

#10 Remember when you told me that you’d miss me the most? Remember Bette Davis Eyes and drinking too much? Toga parties and pool tables and skanky girlfriends that turned into wives? Remember how she came back and you became angry and disappeared? Remember that time you ran by me in the car, and the time the stomp team performed for us and you looked at me in that weird way? Remember the time I made him move by saying “Martin is sitting there?”

#11 Remember when we didn’t stop until we got enough?

#12 Remember Smoke’s wedding where you hung out with Starr all night and asked me what was wrong? Remember how I told you I was always that way and you laughed as said I wasn’t? Do you remember the time you were getting ready for a date and I watched you put on your make up and told you I thought you were pretty, and you said, “You, too?” Remember when I wanted to be just like you? Remember when my mom said I was smarter than you and I realized, for the first time, that it was true? Remember when you got me a job helping your husband and you made him pay for my parking? Remember how you got me a job as a receptionist and I was jealous that everyone liked her better? Remember how you got me that other job and I didn’t answer the phone correctly and she told you instead of me? Remember how I learned to use the word “correct” from you? Remember how you got me that OTHER job and it was gross and hellacious and you told me not to go back if I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown?

Remember when we went skiing and I got “hurt” and I took the ride of shame down the mountain? Remember how I closed my eyes and you kissed me on the forehead?

Remember when I was in college and I told you how I felt and I said I wanted to look just like my mom, and you said I already did. Remember how you said you would help me lose weight?

Remember when you had Sofia and you called and left a message on my answering machine and you said it was a miracle and it was the most amazing thing you had ever done in your life and I thought you were high off the pain meds and hormones?

Remember when we slept in the same bed at grandma’s house and you squeezed my butt cheek in the middle of the night and then giggled? I was so freaked out. Then in the morning, you told everyone that you’d had a dream that you and your friends were going around squeezing everyone’s butts and I said it was real? Remember how I told that story when I read your eulogy in front of 250 people? Remember how I got through it and then I broke down and cried and cried and cried.

Remember how you kept your life a big secret for so long? Remember when you thought I had taken John’s side? Remember when I told you I was worried about Sofia and you and John being together at my wedding? Remember when you missed my wedding shower? Remember when you bought me lingerie? ::Gag::

Remember how you died and I never got to say “good-bye” or “I love you” or “what happened?” or “I’m sorry?” Remember how I took care of your estate and sobbed at work every day trying to get through it. Remember when I talked to Marcia and she said that she had always gone with Ramona, and that’s the way it had always been and I thought “I didn’t leave. She did.”

Remember when you died and it almost killed me? Remember how you were one of the deaths that would change my chemical makeup and how I would never really get over it?

#13 Remember how I once worried that I made a mistake and you were really the love of my life and then I got to the end of this post and I realized I didn’t even remember to include you?

#? Remember how in 20 years, none of this would matter and I probably won’t even remember who you are?