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I am tired. I am frustrated. I am sick of this place. I am more on edge this week than I have been before and I don’t know why. Did something different happen? Is there something new going on? There doesn’t seem to be.

 
I am sick of having a voice that no one listens to. From the biggest to the shortest. The simplest thing as getting an email from my boss about when she’s on vacation. Doesn’t happen. She tells me –the day before she leaves – that she will be gone the next week. Or did she say through the end of the week? Or did she say she’ll be gone next week?  I only know for sure that she said gone and a week.
I’m tired of people coming to me to ask questions I don’t have the answers to.  I’m tired of not knowing. I’m tired of nothing being solid. I’m tired of instability. I’m tired of being questioned and I’m tired of questioning.
What I’m most tired of is people acting like I can’t do something. Of people having no faith in me. Or maybe I’m just tired of that from myself.
Is it that I don’t have faith in myself, or is it just burnout? Burnout from being in the wrong job. It was right once. Burnout from forcing a square peg into a round hole. Burnout from forcing a relationship to fit when it just doesn’t.
At least this time it was only 7 months instead of 10.
I’m mad at myself for settling in too soon. Mad at jumping into something else that isn’t right. Mad for blowing $3,000 on it when I didn’t have enough evidence to make that investment. Mad that I have a shit load of more junk than I did before.
I hate this place. This place where I am physically, and the place where I am emotionally. I want to quit. I want to quit today. I want it to all be over.
Again and again.  Round and round.
I have no empathy. I do not care about it. I do not care about her pain. I am not excited to see her. I just want it over. Again. I just want it to be gone.
People tell me that suicide is a selfish act. I never agreed. When I was at that edge, all I could think about was other people and how much better off they’d be without me.
Today, though, I see it from a different view. I see it as a totally selfish act. I just want it to be over. Just kill it already.
What happened to the girl who could stand up in front of your jeers and not care? What happened to the girl who knew she could do anything? What happened to the girl who relished a challenge? What happened to the girl who was outstanding at her work? What happened to the girl who could at least get her work done?
She’s been worn down by the world. She’s been worn down by this company. She’s been worn down by herself and the thoughts that go spinning around and around in her brain. 
She’s gone.
I want to be someone different. I want to be someone who cares. I want to be someone who can do anything she sets her mind to. I want to be someone who loves deeply and unconditionally. I want to be someone who has a smile in her heart – who dances to her own music.
I want to stop feeling so tired and go have dinner with my girlfriend.

The journey is the reward

Lao-Tzu