Another Day, Another -$250.00

This unemployed things is a blessing and a curse all at the same time.  I am depressed and unmotivated.  At home, I pick out small tasks that I’ve intended to do for a long time, and slowly but surely get them done.  I try to look for jobs, but it’s so depressing that I can’t find anything that I’m remotely interested in.  Those jobs I’m qualified for (or over qualified for) pay crap and aren’t at all interesting to me.

I am in a rut today.  I can feel the tears just below the surface.  It sucks.

I started my taxes today.  So far it looks like I’ll get a refund.

I rediscovered some music today.  Music I haven’t listened to in a while because I’ve tried to move on from those times in my life.  I found a CD that my old girlfriend made for me.  The music is all metal, which is wildly entertaining to me. I wonder if songs like "Cherry Pie" have a message in them, or if she just made a collection of some of her favorite songs.  I don’t know what was going through her head when she made the CD.

Kasey Chambers was a nice find.  I don’t really know why I stopped listening to her.  She has a great voice and even better lyrics.  I have seen her in concert, and she’s awesome.  I think I took my current girlfriend to see her back in the day.  I went to her website and found that she’s got a couple of albums that I don’t have.  I’ll have to check those out.

The one that I still haven’t listened to is "Breakdown" by Melissa Etheridge.  My first girlfriend and I listened to that album non-stop when we were in AmeriCorps.  I think I have blocked out every song and lyric on that album save for one…."I wanna lay down on your shoulder, just inside your arm.  I want to listen to your breathing, going on and on.  I want to lay down on your shoulder, surrender to the deep, and go…to sleep."  My ex used to sing that to me all the time.  It was her favorite.

I can’t remember much of the beginning of our relationship.  Nor do I remember much from my first year in AmeriCorps.  I was so emotionally exhausted that it was too much for me to recall.  I stopped writing in my journal because I didn’t want to relive all of the challenges from the day.

Maybe I’ll listen to "Breakdown" later today.

I haven’t talked to that ex in a while.  She’s in the foreign service, and the last I knew, she was returning to the states after two years served in Cuba.  I think that was about 2 year ago.  So now, she should be back in some crazy country as she always volunteers for the high risk placements.  I keep hoping that’s changed in her life, but I doubt it.  She’s plagued by anxiety and depression, but she doesn’t admit it or help herself out with it at all.

Being in the foreign service was her life long dream, and now that she’s there, it’s not what she thought it was going to be.  Like so many other things.

I got to hang out with Jenn last week, which was really nice.  She is a great friend, and one that I can just pick up with where we left off.  I’m glad she’s there.

I hope we can keep our house.  What a devestation that would be.

The journey is the reward

Lao-Tzu