And Away She Goes…

She’s gone. I have so many emotions. Mostly I am sad. I feel like this is the end of something. I feel like from now on a piece of me will be missing.

Truth be told, I always feel that way, right? That’s my personality, right?

My wife thinks I’m having an emotional affair. When she said that to me, it struck me so hard. It wasn’t something that I had ever thought about before. Not on my radar. I couldn’t ever put my finger on what it was. And after I thought about it and after I read about it, I think she is right. I think, for me at least, that is what this is.

I cannot speak for B. I don’t 100% know where she is emotionally. I know she cares about me very much. I know she is committed to our friendship. I know she loves me as I love her, but it’s friendship love for her. What kind of love is it for me?

How twisted is it that I want to talk to my wife about all of this? When B left, I didn’t want to sit here alone. I didn’t want to wallow in the loneliness of the day. I wanted comfort. My wife had been my source of comfort for so long. But how do I get comforted by my wife about loving someone else?

I want to tell B about what my wife said. I want to tell her about the emotional affair. But I do not want to scare her, burden her, etc. I think I mostly don’t want to scare her with my intensity. I don’t want to lose my friend. I have been telling myself for years that I do not love her. That this is not that. Have I been lying to myself this whole time?

I have been, I think.

I miss her. I miss her already. Nothing has been done but I cannot unhear what my wife said. I cannot come to any other terms or any other conclusion. And if I want to save my sanity, I will need to pull back. I.DO.NOT.WANT.TO.PULL.AWAY. But what else am I supposed to do?

She doesn’t even like women. She certainly isn’t attracted to them. She has a husband and 5 kids and a life away from here. She is reinventing herself. I am lucky she has time or energy for me at all.

I was waiting for last night for so long. I was waiting for it to be the trigger or catalyst for something, and it was not. It won’t ever be.

I am so sad.

I want the whole thing with her. The marriage, the love, the life, the family, the kids, the career, the business, the laughter, the tears, the kissing, the sex, the intimacy, the orgasms, the sensuality. The beautiful, beautiful smile at me and knowing exactly what’s behind it and knowing that I’m the reason it’s on her face. If I had that, I would be the luckiest person on the planet.

I will not get it. This is so bad for me. This.is.so.bad. Where do I go from here?