Things can go so well

And then they don’t. I have a friend who says I am one of the most influential people in his life. He says that I have given him hope, strength, and courage through my words and through what he calls my "wisdom." I am always blown away by this statement, because I am, more often than not, feeling completely lost. He tells me he owes me a great debt, and I don’t know how to react. He makes it out like I’ve got all of the answers, and really I’m often so adrift in the sea of my life that I don’t know that I’ll ever see land again. Truth is, I don’t even really remember half the things I have said to him, but apparently he does. 

I feel adrift now. 

Drifting away, out of control,

into uncharted waters. 

Watching the bilge 

pump out the overflow

and hoping it can keep up.

And hoping it can’t.

Hoping I hold on long enough

to make it through,

and hoping when morning comes

I don’t wake up. 

I feel anxious and sick and I want to be done with these stupid feelings. I’m a grown man not a simpering child. This has to stop. I have to stop it.