Wishy.

I don’t have friends, thank you very much. You know I tried eharmony.com, that dating service. I asked God the other day “why can’t someone just see me for who I really am?” and I felt a calm come over me.

I can’t make friends, you know that. I’m a loser. It makes me feel better typing it. I sit at home a lot, I have a camera that I’m almost done paying off and I don’t shoot with it, it’s so easy to get stuck in a rutt. Have I ever said “Fuck God” in my journal before? I wonder, I don’t mean it now, if I did, but I feel like saying it right now I’m so angry.

I felt the calm, and I wasn’t even praying, I was just talking to myself, and it was like a friend holding me, and it filled me up. I have all this proof (for me) of God’s existence, or of a spiritual world, and I felt it and I couldn’t help but think “what if that’s just me?” What if the mind is strong enough to change emotions like that, and why am I feeling like I’m blasphemeing lately when I question God’s existence. I’m stuck doing it, it gets me nowhere, I believe in him, but it doesn’t make sense.

I told my friend how I can’t comprehend how many people there are in the world, and God is big enough to comfort me? He said (and he’s not a “believer”) “well, he is omnipotent”. And I kept going on and he interupted me and said “there’s so many bigger things, the universe is ever expanding, star’s are burning out, and you’re stuck on this?”

He’s right. I wrote down on my notebook “The Universe Is Bigger.”

I wish I could do something constructive. And I can. But why won’t I?