Trust how I feel.
I called up Brandon leaving a voice mail regarding my newfound sense of youth.
Brandon Adams, I have a whole lot of love for you. I was having a bad day and I want to tell you about how I feel about life, Imonna ramble here, but I think its so great that we knew each other, and we know eachother, but we knew eachother when we were young and weve grown up and I was just looking at some old pictures and you know, Gosh, youre what, 21? And Im 20, and you know those have been really good, I mean, I feel like weve both had pretty good lives, and were So Young really, like were pretty much just out of high school and we have so many places we can go, so much time, and I just wanted to tell you how much love I have for you, I sound very high, but really,
Thats the worst translation of it but it still makes sense, 20 is nothing, like 12 was nothing, like 6 was nothing, like when Maggie broke up with me in sixth grade, NOTHING, when Jenn and I fucked, NO THING.
I do have things ahead of me, and it wont be a straight line, and I thank God right now for giving me this epiphany, because I think God does do those sort of life-affirming acts, because I was, Ive been so bad. So unhappy.
I just, I started telling everyone about this, (Ive written a lot tonight, but its weird how things just get bigger and bigger and you realize it, that nothing youve done matters yet because youre just starting, and all your flaws can be changed, and all your mistakes are null and void because that was then and this is now and the friends you made matter, and youre parents love you [well they love me at least] and having debts, student loans, for the experience of growing up, maybe its worth it, and friends do change, and everythings naïve. Im naïve right now.
But at least Im happier.) that I’m not scared of not doing anything anymore because everyday I already am.
My friend Bo gives his rebuttal: What good is youth if you don’t feel alive.
My rebuttal to myself: is 90 nothing? Then what is something.
It’s amazing to me to read about someone so young going through Weltscherz. Shake yourself out of it, Jon. You have an amazing life ahead, you’re of generation of unlimited possibilities and you don’t even need to set a path for a good amount of time yet. Pursue every dream you can imagine and one of them will turn out to be pursuing you, too. When the two meet … BANG! Clarity. —
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I watched Eternal Sunshine, and I really really loved it. And when I started it, I kinda wished you were there, so you could not be so blue, and I could talk about the movie to someone that wouldn’t throw popcorn at me. =)
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