Tranferring body hate. (Heh.)

I almost hit my dog, my rage was so bad. My frustration, I guess I had reached my limit. I started cussing, and my friends were over, and I was having a breakdown right in front of them, even if they didn’t fully know it.

I was really mean to my dog, and in the times where my friends were around the corner or not able to see me, I said to myself “I’m becoming my dad”, and I could finally understand all he was.

I would like to thank God for sending my friends, because I would still probably be in it if not for them. My dog still loves me, but I couldn’t believe how strong the hate had become, how it had literally jumped from my hating of myself into my hating of that dog.

And, I can hurt that dog. I send all the pain I’m feeling for myself into that one thing. I’d never transfered hate yet, I guess it’s the next pathway, and it’s a big reason why I need to really get this hatred of myself under control.

We drove to Whataburger (I don’t think my friend had ever seen me so mean. Like a man who was drunk, and hitting his wife, that kind of angry, oh man) and I laid down in the dirty bucket seat. They talked, chatted and ate and I thought about myself.

I opened my eyes and I saw a light, a flourescent one, and something in front of it. It was a gnat, and it was flying around in circles. It was moving so fast and in such a small radius that I couldn’t tell when he began or ended. But he kept going around and round.

I woke up, and I thought (as I think was intended?) “that’s pointless“, but better yet, let me quote a politician on what he thought of the nation’s plan’s to fix social security: “It creates a lot of motion, but with no progress.”

That’s what I thought!, and I’m that gnat, so stuck in myself, so wanting to hurt myself and chasing myself, I don’t see anything. It’s all a blur, and then the gnat trailed off away from the backlight, becoming invisible to me.

I think God helps me, and I think he is just subtler than I would be. (I mean, He is God, c’mon, give him something.) After that, I started getting better.

What a good analogy that was.

The world is full of that, and it’s really perfect. Just stop chasing, just open up your eyes, stop looking at yourself,

I wonder what that gnat would ever do with himself if he were to stop. Probably bite me, or annoy me. But still — just imagine what you can do.

Just so you know: I realized tonight that I make others happy, cheer them up or just be a friendly face, and that makes me happy. And I base my happiness on that. Not a good thing. Have a good night.