The new being old.

I’ve made some new friends, recently.

I’m human, and as I become friends with more people that I would usually hang out with, the comfortableness I feel around them also makes it easier to allow the ugly parts of me to slither out. The me with a sharp tongue that doesn’t think, the me who is prideful and doesn’t blink about it, the me who slips up; the me I haven’t really had to deal with in a year and a half (as I was pretty separated from people).

The me who left the apartment with my unJesusbelieving friends — it wasn’t just the apartment, it was me too. It was how I acted around them, how comfortable I was to lash out like an asshole, only to apologize moments later (the Jesus in me). I think I didn’t like being known by them as that sin.

I did it tonight, to a friend of mine, a girl who is an awful lot like me, and therefore I don’t have much patience for her, as I don’t have much for myself. I lashed out in just a few words, that really wouldn’t upset anyone very much. But it upset her, and the feeling of justified unblinking pride showed up, and yes I apologized in a voice mail 10 minutes later, and yes I called again 2 hours later and didn’t get answered, but as I drove home I realized what I was feeling: shame. Ashamed of what I’d done (again, a 5-word comment not even worth rewriting. A stupid little blip, in the long run).

This is life. This is being transparent. This is being known and still being loved. This is forgiveness. (Hopefully.) At the very least, this is forgiveness for myself, and forgiveness for her (for not being perfect, you know). This thing that’s been missing the past few years is back. What is it? Jon Strong.

Jonathan. Only when our sin is revealed to us can we do anything about it.