the dread before the drop.

Been very busy the last few weeks.

My wife has been…..something has changed. But I don’t want to talk about that.

Let’s talk about my issues.

It’s not that I don’t like her, I don’t think.

It’s that she’s so heavy.

A few weeks ago I was feeling fully myself, which has been rare the last few years, and I just said out loud “I just wanna have fun. I just wanna have fun.” I think a lot of my childhood, was not. It was heavy. Gravity.

And after I said I just wanna have fun, I said “I don’t like gravity. I don’t like it.”

I spent my life having fun. Like 27 years.

Until I got married. And, either it’s ’cause something in me knew I needed it, or I accidentally stumbled upon my kryptonite, I married someone who is kind of stuck in pain. Constant.

That’s not healthy, of course, but also — it brought out the worst in me.

I find myself disgusted by my wife. She’s very beautiful, and has a sweet soul, but her hopelessness. I am literally repulsed by it. It’s everything I ran away from. And now I am stuck with it.

I don’t say this to talk about divorce. I’ve thought about it, talked about it, almost done it, but I mostly never got divorced because:

I wanted to make sure I had worked through all my shit before I threw it away.

My father got married and divorced 5 times. Every time he blamed the woman. Every time he would bring his baggage to the next one. Then blame her.

For sure having kids is a part of what kept me here in the hell it has been, but

I wanted to not leave, blaming her, when it’s me.

I Am Disgusted By Her Pain

How Sad Is That

I don’t like weakness, I don’t like pain that last too long, I like depth a lot, but only in as much as we’re making progress.

And God put me with a woman who is stuck in her pain.

(And you can question that statement about God. I mean it sounds like bullshit when I type it. And read it, but. I also believe it. Not happily.)

So what’s my issue? I avoid intimacy with my wife, because I feel the weight of her pain and I want nothing to do with it.

I also think, annoyingly, begrudgingly, the only way…….

I feel like I’m drowning when I’m around her. Now that she’s not abusing me, I’m back to just being a neglectful, mediocre husband.

I feel like I’m drowning when I’m around her.

Someone had this vision about me in 2016, they saw me at the bottom of the sea, weighted down by an anvil or iron weight, drowning. And in their vision, they somehow felt like I was supposed to breathe the water. That the way to life was breathing what I thought would kill me.

What I’m saying is: yes, her pain/depression is an issue of hers, but I also think I’m probably supposed to let myself feel her pain. I think my reaction of disgust is a real problem. I think it’s why I’ve not been fully human my whole life.

But dear Lord why did He put me with the most extreme version? I mean, you have to overcorrect something that is extreme in and of itself. I am an extreme version of Never Feeling Pain.

Entering into true intimacy with her, in her pain, feels like I’m getting infected. Feels like Jurassic Park, when they stick their hands in that gigantic pile of shit.

Yet I wonder if everything changes the moment I do it. That I’ve been refusing the call for a better part of a decade. I wonder if me doing that helps get her out of the shit. God, I have to get shit on though. God.

I just wanted a partner to have fun with. And if I believe God did put us together, which I…do, he put me with her to………fucking wake me up. That sucks.

But am I miserable because of her and our life and this feeling of disgust?

Or am I actually miserable because I’m stuck at the top of the rollercoaster, with that feeling of dread in your stomach, and I’m unwilling to go down the drop? Like I have pulled the emergency stop at the top, but fucking fuuuuuuun will happen if I just jump into the dread?

Yeah. I’ve been stuck. She’s been stuck. I’ve been stuck.

Fuck I have aged. The last 3 years.

I have been stuck in the dread before the drop.

I need to drop.