Sunburnt.

On the car ride over to my mother’s house, I was listening to a Sufjan Stevens song “The Tallest Man, The Broadest Shoulders” and sort of understood finally that while, yes, she did get back with her ex-boyfriend, the ugly truth is I Was Rejected. My struggles with possessiveness were too much for her, and she ended it with that.

When I got to my mother’s, I told her about what had happened with Amber (I hadn’t talked to her about it yet) and told her what I just told you. I then started crying to her when I got to this fact: with all the good I brought her, all the ways I tried to follow Jesus in health and love, all the ways that we grew together; best friends — all it took was one flaw to send her running.

My mom said, maybe not having enough grace is her flaw.

Maybe. She rejected me. She rejected me and I accept it.

I wrote her this letter, and entitled it “Untitled.”

Dearest Amber,

I’d just like you to know I’ve sort of come to terms with everything. (That’s an interesting phrase, come to terms.) I’ve sorted through it and I’d just like you to know I am fine just being your friend, with no hope in us being together, which is a good reason I would have resisted being your friend, as constant disappointment is not something I like to deal with. 🙂 Anyway, we don’t really share the same friends, so being friends will take both of us wanting it. You’re welcome to invite me to anything, and I will do the same for you. That includes inviting Josh as well. No rush to start hanging out again, just if it ever crosses your mind. I hope you are doing well; I hope everything with your dad gets better; I am doing better.

So anyway, perhaps I will see you at church, or maybe at Cup o Soul.

Jon

(I now listen to “Out Of Egypt, Into The Great Laugh Of Mankind, And I Shake The Dirt From My Sandals As I Run” by Sufjan Stevens.)