Sexual perversity in Orlando.

Whenever I used to have emotions I would come here to get them out. I am not feeling good lately. What can I say to change anything? One of my roommates moved out (he’s still paying so it’s not about that) but he is such a dick. It seems he’s selfish, only really caring about himself but at the same time he’s a nice guy. And I can say a word, I can be friendly, and I’m annoying him. FUVKZ;ODR HTRK

I have some un-dealt with issues, I think. Is it wrong that my soul wants to throw this all up with cuss words? Is that my soul? What is that then?

I pride myself on having some sort of personal relationship with God. It’s made me happier then I’ve ever been, more complete and more at peace, but it’s become very hard these past few weeks. I’m at a loss, I cannot tell you why I’m not thriving in God. Sometimes I do, and then I sin. I can’t love myself.

I do know the reason why I feel this way, I guess my emotions have so clouded over my
I don’t know what I’m thinking about, my mind has a lot of things going on almost it seems like a magician, how he distracts you with something over here

I guess I feel lonely as always. I don’t want to give an answer to all this because every time I do it’s not right. I didn’t masturbate for a week, you know. A little bit more. I felt very good, I remember in high school when I started at Lake Howell if I went for more than a few days without getting horny enough to masturbate I got worried, as if I didn’t have the sexual drive and I wouldn’t be normal and people always talked about how much they masturbate and how hot that chick was they had to go home and do it.

And I wanted it to take me over, I wanted to see a girl and have to masturbate. Now I just want to understand sexuality and how I’m supposed to deal with it.

When I did it the other night, and I’m sorry if I’m disgusting anyone, it was very good, and I watched online porno to do it, and it was dirty, and perverted, but I didn’t feel affected. And I thought “well, then, maybe pornography and masturbation are only bad if I do it too much”, though I still wondered what is right and what is wrong. Last night I felt the call again. And I wasn’t horny, I didn’t need to do it…I just wanted to. I did it, and I watched lesbians, I watched a girl’s first time with another girl. They convince a girl to have her first lesbian experience on camera, and it’s so voyeuristic and wrong.

And I got off to it, ‘cause it’s hot.

I knew when I started that I was becoming addicted to it again, because I’m lonely, and it just makes me lonelier. But I get to come, right? I get to get off, I get to have lust take me over, yeah!

And that’s what I wanted, because God supposedly wasn’t good enough. I had to make two vaginas fucking my God. I had to worship my lord, sin.

Jesus talked about how you cannot serve two masters, because you end up resenting one of them. It’s so hard to be “good”. It’s hard not to serve both. But I’m just so lonely.

I don’t want that to be an excuse. I want to change. Lord help me.