sad face.

The internet in my room doesn’t have very good reception. I like that.

Amber and I began a friendship again. I’m not lying when I say it’s not easy. But I think it’s worth it. Am I still mad at her? Sometimes.

I truly like my internet not working when I’m in my room. I feel really weird, actually. I feel an emotional churning, almost, just beneath the surface. Anxiety. It’s since I started being friends with Amber (about two days now). I struggle with anxiety, I suspect.

franklyimembarrassedaboutstruglingwithemotionswithamber. I’m glad to be her friend again, because I really — it’s rare that I say this, I mean it — I missed her, not romantically, just as my friend.

And I told my friend about this the other night that I was hurting because I missed her, and he said “you miss the idea of her,” and I thought about it, and I said “no…no, I miss her.”

The next day she imed me. And came to my work that night (I work at a coffee shop so it’s not like she was sending mixed signals; it is the first time I’ve spent more than a minute with her though).

It’s hard being friends with her because there is a desire for more, to be close. So I just need to put up good boundaries.

I hate online talking. But that’s where our friendship is for now. I don’t like being so emotional. I don’t like being vulnerable, and I am with her. I don’t like being vulnerable when I’m not getting what I want in return.

So. I have “jesus” written on my hand. Why am I like this God? Why am I so weak in such an area that needs strength? I feel like girls will run from me because I struggle, because I am imperfect in a fairly recognizable area. She did. I’m weak; this is me. You are strong.