Oh Lord.

On the way to understanding something, I tend to misdiagnose myself a couple of times before I come to a correct conclusion. This might be one of those times.

What upsets me about Amber is I feel I can’t entertain her. It makes me angry. I feel like she likes me without the entertainment. Which should be a good thing, but I don’t like me without it, I feel uncomfortable, I feel naked, I feel stripped of all my weapons.

I feel scared without the ability to entertain. I feel more vulnerable than at most other times. It upsets me. I feel helpless.

I don’t know if this is God working on me, or what it is. Or if I’m just thinking about it too much (that one’s true for sure), but the fact that I can’t entertain her makes me like her less. (It makes me like myself less.)

And I think that’s the thing I don’t like about her. Otherwise we both seem to get each other. But I hold this against her.

It burns inside of me, this hatred for myself. I have no perspective. I could be wrong.

Or maybe it’s that she doesn’t entertain me? Obviously she does to a point, but not the point I’m used to. Not to the point that I laugh at most of what she says. Do I want an entertainer? Is this a secret contract I hold against people? Yes. Yes.

I want to be entertained. This is true. Is it selfish? Please change my need to be entertained.