New Year’s Eve.

There are so many people hurting. Why? Please tell me. I’m hurting. I’m scowling. I’m secluding myself. I’m trying, God, I’m a loser, I’m pulling my hair and hitting my knees with my fists, I’m typing, I’m feeling sorry for myself, I’m not happy, my world is so small. I am not in this world, I am alone. And there are many other people that are alone, but all I can think of is me. And this small Earth, and these prayers and tears seem to do nothing, I am “heavy-laden”, I am “pushed upon from all sides” — I don’t feel healed. I feel a deep cut in my soul.

I’m unhappy God, please talk to me, my mind is so small, I am a child, I am frail and easily broken, but I trust in You fully still, please help me trust in You. I care too much about what others think. I am a fool for loving You, is how I suppose people look at me on here.

This is how I think now, “Dear God, how can I get you to help me?” I have no idea how to “help You”, what you want me to do, and nothing seems to make me happy, and I am at all times being weird and depressed so I turn off any hope of having any sort of healthy relationship based upon You, which I feel so far away from all of it.

What do you want from me? I say “help me” as a command. Why am I so messed up¿ Why is everyone so messed up? Please stop me, scare me with a booming voice asking me where I was at the beginning of time, who am I to say, please, please, stop me.

I know You’re here. Why don’t you stop me?

Why do some prayers go unanswered?

I’m sick of playing it safe. I want to be honest, I want to be mean, I want to cuss and curse and let myself go, but I know it won’t make me happy, but it hurts just the same to hold it inside, to hide it,

Goodnight. I kneel before You.