Mourning is over.

I like a girl. Pray for me about that if you can.

Last night something weird happened. As I was drifting off to sleep my mind wandered across Jenn Dean, a girl I was with for about 6 months? I call it “with” because she was dating my friend at the time. Anyway, that whole thing left a pretty deep scar in me, and it showed me who I was, and other important life lessons…

Last night, I started thinking about her breasts. Which is not good to do, I wasn’t even being sexually aroused by it, I was just remembering this time when we were on top of her roof helping her family put on Christmas lights, and her parents couldn’t see us up there, and I don’t recall what we did, but I think she at least flashed me, or something.

(It doesn’t make me happy to talk about this. It’s just what I was thinking about.)

Right now I’m actually realizing I think I’m past her now. I have been for the most part, but there was still this sad part of me stuck there with her — I guess because I became a snivelling shell of a child, I thought that’s who I really was, and that my smiles and humor were just reactions to being “fulfilled”, but not an actual part of me.

Well on Sunday, I let go of that person. I am not the bad stuff that happened to me. I am not the bad stuff I’ve done to others. But it’s very easy to allow it to fool you.

Anyway, I was going to sleep, and I didn’t like thinking about that stuff with her breasts. And I just had this weird feeling spiritually, whether it was real or imagined. So I sat up and just started to pray for her. And I did for about 10 seconds, then tried to pray for my dad, ’cause I really don’t pray enough and I figured I’m up…but, after I’d prayed for dad, I let my mind search for someone else and then another name came up: Jenn Dean.

I thought for a moment, and then I knew, like I could just tell God wanted me to pray for her. It was very palpable.

So I just prayed for her over and over until my spirit felt like it was done, and I must’ve prayed for 5 or 6 minutes, in the dark, on my bed, “Lord, please bless Jenn Dean” ’cause that’s all I really knew, “please protect her, show her Yourself, break her heart”…so that He can enter. I don’t know. Hope she’s doing okay. (Sigh.)

Please Lord, bless Jenn Dean. Please protect her. Please show Yourself to her. Please let her know. Please please please please please be with her.

My soul aches right now.