Late night this morning.

Last night was strange. Amber came over at around midnight and we did some homework at the same time and then played a game of scrabble (I lost I think by 10 points). She left at 6 am. Through the night the subject turned to the fact that we need to set up new boundaries since I don’t want to imagine that I’m dating her when I’m not. The conversation naturally turned to if my feelings were actually thought out for her, and then turned to what a boyfriend is, what the spiritual goal of a relationship was, and it was as if we were talking in the third person about all this, or as if I were helping her as her friend work through her thoughts about relationships.

Very strange.

And the night wore on, and scrabble continued, and I was able to tell her why I had feelings for her. And it wasn’t manipulative. I mean, the conversation even turned to the way I subtly emotionally abused my last girlfriend, and we talked about children, and it was all honest.

So she left at 6 and texted me about how she’s confused about the boundaries. So I called her, and she said that she’d be lying if she told that she’d never thought about dating me, or wanted that, but that, mostly, we just seem to have different plans for our lives (my plan is that I don’t really have one, hers is to travel a lot). She seemed very torn in telling me this — I mean, I could tell she didn’t really want to, it just sort of came out because: she likes hanging out with me. She’d miss hanging out with me as much, I guess. She said part of the problem of this being such a strange friendship/dating thing is that, it’s sort of like this on both sides.

After talking for what turned out to be 40 minutes, we came to the conclusion that we’ll get to know each other more but not much is gonna change. For now the boundaries will sort of stay in this pseudo-dating thing, and at some point she’ll give her thoughts about it.

So. Last night was so strange. It makes me feel good in the sense that I like her, not in the sense that I’ve “won” her, and I’m glad that she kind of feels the same way for me. Near the end of the conversation she was upset to have complicated this even more, in fear that she’s now given me hope.

I told her that I have no more hope right now then I did last night (after she had told me no again), or even last week, because I never really have had much hope, other than what God would do, and to just accept whatever that is as a gift, whether it be a friendship, or something else.

I think she’s afraid of losing our friendship, or if it doesn’t work out having to put up all these boundaries to stay friends. I’m not so worried. I feel like God will lead our friendship where he wants. If boundaries are needed, then I’m okay with that. I’m okay with his plan.

I know it’s good.