Just ’cause you feel it…

So I haven’t gone to bed, I’m being self-destructive. Are you ever self-destructive? I’m thinking about the past. I’m feeling sorry for myself, I don’t really know what else to do. Homework. Yes. Blah blah blah. I have a few things on my mind, one. I’m still lonely. Two, why is this God so mean and hypocritical. I love God. What the fuck is wrong with me, I’m hypocritical. I’ve been cussing a lot, I’ve been so angry. Three. Why am I depressed? Is it because I don’t like myself? Or because I’m lonely? Or because I can’t understand God and what the fuck this is all about? And yet I still follow him. Not ‘cause I’m scared, or because I’m just going with the flow, but because I do believe, in some fucked up way, with all this fucking doubt, and unanswered questions.

I still believe there’s a point, and here’s a problem I have, hypocritical thinking that plays into my “hatred-of-self”. God loves me, yes? God has this plan for me, yes? This plan, that plays into other plans, and other bad things, and…yes. Me, meme.

When it rains? when I’m feeling down, and I tell God “make it rain”, like today? and it rains? It’s Not For Me. It’s For Everyone. Or is this just in everyone else’s plan too? I’m stuck on fucking plans. What if my plan is I Lead? Then what the FUCK is God for? And if God leads, WHAT THE FUCK, My Dear God, AM I FOR!

I’m sorry for cussing. Cursing. Blah blah blah. I’m sorry for trying to spread Your word, God. No I’m not, I’m just fucking confused? Lord. I don’t fucking understand You, I’m sitting here naked Lord, except for my glasses, because I have just masturbated before writing You. I wish I didn’t have to capitalize “you” all the time. Why is masturbation wrong?, is it? Why is homosexuality wrong?, is it? Why Are Our Feelings Wrong?

I love You God, You know that. I love You with all my heart. I’m a hypocrite Lord. A naked hypocrite. What, in this world, makes You happy? Love? So, You make Yourself happy? Our love, human love? Toward You, or toward us, oh fuck, it. Oh Lord. I’m just going on now.

I should go, I know Your listening. I wish I wasn’t cussing. I’m trying to listen, but when I can’t hear anything it makes me feel like it’s my fault.

Yours,

Jonathan.