June starts tomorrow.

I don’t know what to talk to her about. A whole topic is off limits, it seems. The hurt that I feel. I can’t be transparent in every way. What does that type of a friendship look like? A friendship with limits? With boundaries?

I had a dream last night where an African woman was kind of getting out some of her frustrations with Americans who come over to Africa without a real reason, unsure of what they will really accomplish in a missions trip.

I need to be more vulnerable with more people. In the sense that I tend to be vulnerable with a girlfriend, and MAYBE a few close friends (but even then it’s hit or miss). I need to open myself. Part of that means talking to more people on the phone.

These are muscles that have been left unstretched. Investing in people by opening up — for the relationship’s sake, not for myself.

I don’t invest in friendship like I do a relationship with a woman. That bothers me, as I think it rightfully should. There’s a huge gap between those things. Obviously there should be differences, but not so drastic a drop-off.

It’s what I find difficult with being friends with Amber. Talking on the phone and just seeing how she’s doing (not often even), that’s something I do in a relationship. That’s the stretching that’s going on in me right now, the tension — wanting to be friends with Amber. It requires me investing in a friendship, giving, pouring into it. And it’s allowed me to see all my other friendships — how far away I am.

I only ever invested in a friendship when it would directly benefit me (either a girl, wanting it to become more, or a guy when I wanted his approval), not out of love.

I want, and I need to pray about Africa. That dream was me talking to myself. I don’t know particularly why I’m going. What it will accomplish.

Today is God’s.