It’s only been 4 years.

I’ve been thinking about death a lot lately.

This couple got married about a year ago and tonight I delivered to them their wedding video. I met the man downstairs at his condo (that he’s renting) and I said that if he ever needs another, I’ve got the disc saved on my computer, and that it’ll be there until we both die. He said, “let’s hope that’s not soon.”

I sit on my bed now, and I think about how he’ll die (it’s hard to put thoughts on death into words) and he’ll have grandchildren —

I will tell you why I’ve been thinking about death lately. I think I’ve passed out of youth. I truly feel like, well first, I don’t resent them anymore, teenagers, and their big dreams and immortal egos, or their smiles. I remember them. I’ve resented them for…4 years. I couldn’t stand to be in the same room with them.

I walk past a car at school and it says “Happy Birthday! 19!” I was shocked that it said 19. In class tonight I saw a girl who was pretty. Usually she would upset me by being the type of girl who likes punk-pop and laughs at everything. (She was laughing when I looked at her.) Which leads me to:

I talked with a 40 year old a few weeks ago. We talked about relationships. I said I find most girls annoying. I said I actually liked talking to her. (Was not hitting on her.) And she said, “well, I have experience, I’ve matured into this. Twenty years ago you probably wouldn’t have liked me.”

I like teenagers now. I go to Walmart and see them laughing with each other, being kids, and I appreciate it. I’m happy for childhood. And the whole thing has made me take into account life stages, and I think about childhood, and where I am now, and where I’ll be in 20 years, and then being old. And that’s when I think of death. I think of all these generations going through the growing pains of being a child, rebelling, and then growing up into an old human, moving slower and thinking slower, not having as many people to talk to. And we’ll die in this world and leave these children and their dreams, their hopes and their future — whether it’s walking around a Walmart a bit over weight, carrying your newborn around at 12 am, or standing in the DVD section, waiting for a movie to come out, watching a woman with her baby, and how she was in high school just a few years ago — and their bodies will age as well, and look back at this existence, and youth.

I’m not saying it all makes sense now, I’m just saying someday this world won’t belong to what I can accomplish anymore. Right now I can accomplish things. I just keep thinking about how that’ll end. It seems kind of lonely, my grandma who I see at every family function. I love her. She’s lonely.