It once was Lord, but now is Father.

I have a crush on a girl, a girl who I’ve had a crush on for 4 months, and it’s not weird or obsessive, it’s just when I’m around her I really enjoy how I feel. I like what I can see of her insides. She is a sinner. I’ve come to that conclusion — I tend to idealize and romanticize people I like, and tonight I realized she is probably unrealized inside, fully. And there is no reason to believe that she any better or more put together than I am. I think she’s beautiful. I hope sometime she’ll open up to me.

Tonight I had to confront the fact that as I told my father the reason his entire life up till now has been worthless (he has not one penny to his name, he has not a job, and believes I brought him to this ruin) is because he’s never lived his life for Christ, he trusts in Him and believes in Him, but he doesn’t live for Him, he lives for himself; and I say this because I feel convicted.

I was talking to a friend yesterday who said art is only innovative if it is great, where it surpases what is average, and then becomes the new average. Therfore art cannot be innovative unless it constantly creating the new average.

And I feel convicted, because while I dropped everything for Christ 2 years ago, I don’t as much anymore. I definitely lean more toward Him, but I’ve never surpassed the new average I created in the beginning of this relationship. I’ve worked out to the point where the bar is low for me. I make it “with ease”, I am not challenged.

But I am. I am challenged to stop looking at porn, and maybe stop masturbating (I’m not quite sure yet about that). I’m challenged to stop downloading music illegally. There are things now that I am afraid to ask because I don’t want to know the answer, and therefore have to disobey. I have become not willing to deny myself for He who wants to prosper me, for He who wants what is absolutely best for me.

The bar for my father looks high for him, but he can jump it with God’s help. Thank God that He’s introduced himself into my father’s life even this far. We all deserve nothing; that’s so pessimistic, and so easy for me to say, because I truly think nothing of the human race, isn’t that horrible? I do think a lot of what they have the possiblity of creating. I do think change is very easy when all you have left to give is yourself, when there is nothing left to distract except your hunger.

I need to stop downloading music, I need to stop masturbating (today as I finished I softly cried out “I’ll always be alone” — this is what it does to me), I need to stop being so pessimistic about humanity and start seeing what they truly are behind the mess.

It saddens me that there are some people who don’t change. (I am included.) It saddens me that I can see past mess, but sometimes the mess is untreatable. Sometimes it is a disease. And I can’t help. I can pray, but

I need to commit to praying. I hurt for those who hurt, my soul is limping for you, it is weak and helpless. It says it is very sorry, and it is also sorry that it can’t say it to your face. It does love you.

It is incomplete. It is connected, but the bar has been set higher, and it has failed to jump.

Pray for my father, that the Lord will guide him and open his heart to something he’s always been afraid of — being “born-again”. The phrase is scary (because of some extremist Christians) but it’s meaning is deep.

From the death of a seed sprouts a flower.