It flowed out of me.

Last night as I was attempting to go to sleep, a thought somehow came out of me perfectly formed: I’m giving her what I don’t want to get what she won’t give.

I dropped all boundaries because I wanted to please her. It backfired (in the sense of it naturally becoming unhealthy… maybe backfire isn’t the right word. It did what it had to do). So, that’s changing. I’m going to change. I’m going to be her friend. I’m gonna love her well. I went to bed last night repeating to myself that 1 Corinthians quote, “Love is patient and kind; it does not envy or boast,” etc. etc. I could not get to sleep last night.

That entry where I talked about my desire for her again? I was buzzed. 🙂 Does not usually happen that I am buzzed, although I do enjoy it. It made me so restful though. It ruined my need for sleep. I only slept 5 hours probably. I’m thirsty.

I know God put her in my life, it’s not ruined. I just did the wrong thing for a few days. Now it is time to probably hurt her by putting up boundaries. I’m just praying that I don’t do it with manipulative intent, as pulling away is a real good way to get someone to pull in closer, you know? I need to be doing it out of a love for her and for us. The pride in me needs to die.

So anyway, what a day. Happy sabbath!