I’m doubting my artistic ability.

A lot of the time I know that I’m not Paul Thomas Anderson. That I’ll never be making Magnolia, which, honestly, I couldn’t make. It’s hard to imagine making it.

That might be why I feel like a bad filmmaker. I also watched my old videos, with introductions by me (where I’m so full of myself) and I hate my videos now. I used to think they were amazing, that I was amazing, but they weren’t, they were High School, and so was I.

And I kill myself over my mistakes, my big head — and at that time I thought I didn’t have one, too.

So, I got this camera, and I’m very scared of it, I know I said I wasn’t or wouldn’t be (anymore), but I am. And I don’t think I wasted $1,800, I mean, if I do suck, at least I’ll know it, and not always question it.

I have no confidence.

This is a really big deal to me. I don’t know what to do. But if it’s my real love, why aren’t I trying as hard as I can?

Sigh.