I’m almost afraid to go home.

I’m never out, and when I am I feel uncomfortable because I’m not used to being out, like waking up and the sun’s in your eyes, I’m not ready, and I can get okay with it, you know your eyes adjust, and I’m myself again, my outside self, but why can’t I just always wear sunglasses?

I went to Irene’s today, she’s really pretty and has a good smile, and told her I don’t go out much and she said “yeah! I noticed that you don’t do anything” and I felt uncomfortable at first, like she was the sun or something, and then I just shook it out, and I was okay, myself.

I want to do things now, I realize my experiment has been proven wrong, and for good reason, I wanted to not have any fake friends, only one’s that I enjoyed. But that just made me not meet anyone (except in class), and being so picky is bad I think. So I’ve given up on that. I went through a summer of loneliness and I want to have fun in the fall air. (It’s great day outside today.)

Also, I called up that girl, and while I’m not so “she’s-on-my-mind-SHE’S-ON-MY-MIND” as last night, I still feel cool inside, and not hungry, and I don’t like this feeling because I’m just so vulnerable. And then my chest flutters and I think “but she’s so cool”.

So I called her and she was busy with friends I think (which is embarrassing to me ’cause then I think they laugh that I’m calling her) so she said she’ll call me back.

ONE LAST THING.

I thought about it at Irene’s, that I used to want to catch girl’s while they were vulnerable, because I thought that’s the only way they’d want me, was when there was no one else to choose from, which then backfired when they did see someone. So fuck it. I’ll try when Fabio is behind me. (Not like that.) If she doens’t like me she doesn’t. Oh well. Life goes on. (Cliche but true.) (So is that.) So, bring it on. Bring on the friends laughing at me and her not calling me back.

I don’t want to be home anymore anyway because I have to stop giving up.