I no longer know who I am.

Such melodramatic titles.

I’m still hiding myself, sorry to repeat. My dark side just came out hard core 3 years ago and nearly fully blotted out everything good in me.

And I’ve regained a lot of the good that was lost, but only by — muting parts of myself.

It was the self hatred. It took over. It felt like razing an entire forest in anger, burning it down. And that forest was me. It used to be my self-hatred somehow coalesced within me to be interesting or pretty. Like a constant tug of war between fun and depth and pain in my soul. It expressed itself well!

Then it just won.

I don’t like not just letting myself be, be whatever I am but when I do that it’s like I’m a different person now. Hateful. Bitter. Vengeful. Starting with myself, but then I take it out on everyone around me.

Am I just controlling it?yes. Yeah. I’m also getting rid of it. But it doesn’t feel like resurrection so much as it feels like discipline. Yech. I want resurrection.

Resurrection has been lacking.

It is happening. It’s just my will is the thing. That’s why it doesn’t feel spiritual, and it doesn’t feel lasting (yet). I choose that hatred. I choose it. It has helped me my whole life. So it doesn’t go away with a snap, and seemingly not a miracle, but by me choosing to stop trusting hatred to save my life, to save me from pain.

I WANT A MIRACLE.

I DON’T WANT TO have to choose it.

Fuck. Fucking life, fucking getting older and your shit from your childhood just fucking finally comes home to roost, all the shit that made you interesting now just fucks up everything around you.

I thought I was better than this.

I thought I was so honest with myself.

I was honest with myself. I just had no idea how much hate I had, because I chased joy so much.

It’s one of the unintended consequences of having had a bad marriage, and weirdly sticking with it: that one choice, to stay, forced me to feel the pain and hatred that I didn’t like to feel. It forced me to be human.

I miss being a dissociated superhero. I am glad that I have become and am becoming human.