I don’t know what’s happened to me.

I can say I’m definitely out of high school now. Not stuck. I am lost. I’m doing my homework, I’m going to work, I’m making and spending money, I’m tired every day and not chipper and not funny, I’m in a bad mood with a smile on my face to be normal still.

I think it started when I got GTA: San Andreas. I can’t be sure though. That’s when I started being mean to that girl, not mean, but you know, not thinking of anyone. And I don’t “feel” God anymore. (Don’t like the fact that you have to capitalize his name when you write it. Another thing that makes me feel anger in my heart.) I’m treating my mom like I used to when I lived there, like I used to when I was fucking Jenn. Anger.

Today is October 31. Last year, on this very day, I fingered Jenn’s vagina for the first time in front of her house. I’m sure I wanted to, and I’m sure she asked me to, I was so innocent, I remember I kept setting limits and then breaking them, it’s okay if I’m just touching her, it’s okay if it’s only above the clothes, it’s okay if I just, you know. I remember thinking I had power over her. Ha.

I thought about this while at work. (I always come to sexual realizations about Jenn while helping customers.) I had a bad day at work, heck, bad weekend. Very busy, and I did a lot of complaining, and a lot of being not funny at all. Of dying. I don’t get sleep.

And here I am, complaining. All day at work I imagine kicking and screaming, sticking my foot through the register, yelling AHHH. More h’s though. I just wanna yell “GOD”. I just want to get out. And then while trick or treating tonight I laid down on the sidewalk, and that was the best part of my day, the most resting part. I turned sideways and looked at the grass. Up was the sky with stars. And there I was, back in good posture, hands behind head, this is the life.

Please pray for my soul.